Just to be Promised
by Lighter
Summary: Colt has lived with one regret his entire life, and now his only wish is to make right by it. But with some things, it may be too late.
1. Dream a Little Dream

Disclaimer: I don't own the fandom of 3 ninjas, nothing taken from the movies- if anything- is from me and so on.

Warnings: This is rated for language, situation, and maybe nudity I'm not sure. I'll see what comes up and add it if necessary.

A.N: Hello, and thank you for reading. This is my third Colt fic from the stories based on one of my favorite book series Whatever happened to Janie and Face on the Milk Carton. Although they're completely different in the scenario they're sort of the same. Anyway, I know its short and starts weird but I hope you enjoy and don't get confused.

...

A lot of things had changed between him and his family over the past few years; between Rocky's kidnapping, psychic abilities, and love for a male; Colt- two years back- finding out that he's actually cousins with his brothers, and nephew to his mom and dad; Tum tum growing up practically on his own due to the many things going on at the Douglas home nearly every year. It was getting hard to find a safe place to put your foot to keep you comfortable for longer than a day or so. But somehow, the Douglas family gets by. Its one of their best qualities, they're all survivors. No matter what demons they face, no matter what horrible truth or event if thrown their way to knock them off balance, they fight back and in some ways they win. So why now? Why does Colt feel like something big is looming over him? What could it be? How will it effect him?

A bright white light fills his mind, covering it like a thick haze. He can see something through the light, though. Its brown or tan, or maybe both. Its moving as though it's looking for something or maybe the dark blur is is trying to shift to an area where it can be seen. Colt felt his weight lean and in the dream he moves forward, getting closer and closer to the image. He can just start to make out what or who it is when his heart starts beating at a rate that should kill a man. Why is he feeling this? Who is this image?

Sitting up, he realizes he's broken into a cold sweat. Wiping the back of his hand across his forehead, he looks over to the bed where his brother lay still. If Rocky is awake, he isn't showing any signs of it. His brother has always been good like that. Rocky can trick anybody into anything, that's just how it is... he's never mastered it himself, though, he tends to get overly worked up and surpasses the point he's trying to make and people end up knowing that he's lying. Its just as well, he isn't interested in talking; Colt had always thought that that was the reasoning behind Rocky's facade of being asleep, he could tell when a person wanted to open up and when they did not. Getting out of bed, he walks over to the window. Closing it off from the warm May breeze, he walks out of the room into the bathroom. Looking at himself in the mirror, he turns on the water to splash his face from the sweat that had accumulated. Once done, he walks back into the dorm room, climbs into bed and tries to get back to sleep. He wondered, though, what it was that he was dreaming about. He usually didn't put too much into dreams, but when they caused this type of reaction... he had to wonder.

The next day...

Colt sits in class, staring off into space. He can't seem to shake the weird feeling his forgotten dream has caused him. He isn't even sure why he should care at all if he can't remember it. Maybe this is just one of those weird things you go through when you really start growing up. Hn. Imagine that, when he hasn't even decided what he plans on doing for the rest of his life. Rocky is joining a B.A.U. team the moment he gets out of college, Tum Tum- odd as it is- wants to be a NASCAR racer but, in the meantime, he said that he planned hone his cooking skills and work as a chef until that day came.

"Class dismissed." The instructor says.

She doesn't wipe the board incase of anyone still writing down something that's written on it. The group of students file out of the room, chatting to one another, making plans for later to either study, or just to hang out.

"Jeffrey? Will you come to my desk, please?"

Hearing his name, he blinks. "Oh.. sure." Standing, he walks down the stairs toward the teachers desk. "I know," He begins saying, fully aware of the reason for being called on. "I wasn't paying attention, and I'm never gonna get anywhere in life if this is my learning habit, but I'm kind of distracted today."

Miss Paularous tapped her folded glasses against the desk, her green brown eyes locked to Colt's hazel. "Wow. Self analysis and an excuse. You really must be thinking seriously about something."

"Its just a dream I had last night... I can't even remember it, really." He shrugs. Looking behind her to the board, he lowers his notebook to the desk. "Can I write out what's on the board? I swear I'll pay attention tomorrow." He's already scribbling across the paper.

"Its why I left it up." Explained the woman.

Though its said very dry, and halfway, Colt says. "Thank you." His attention more on writting out the work than being polite. Besides, he and Lissa are friends outside of school. He can only do protocal for so long with someone he likes and, if he can admit freely, has a thing for.

Dropping the pretense as well, Lissa says. "Colt, do you maybe wanna talk about something? This isn't the first time you've spaced out like this and... due to recent events in yours and Rocky's lives..." She trailed off when seeing Colt shake his head.

"Getting Rocky to open up about Robbie is pointless, he's a sealed vault. As for me..." He shrugs. "I'm just absent minded. But like I said, it won't happen again." Colt finished writting out the assignment and the examples that were on the board. Giving his friend a friendly pat on the top of her head, he smiles and says. "Although, if you'd like to conversate over a strenious activity the door is open."

"Colt!" She blushed.

Wagging a finger, he says innocently. "I meant going to the gym in our spare time," His smile turns into a grin. "look at you with your dirty mind."

"Out of here." She snickers, waving him away. Seeing that other students are walking in, she erases the marker from the board to get ready for the next lesson.

Colt stepped out of the classroom and outside. Walking beneath the outdoor corridor, he then turns and heads through the courtyard. Its weird, that this feels so familiar somehow. But why? He's done this dozens of times and its never made a difference; but for some reason, right now, it feels like he's done this before. Maybe it has something to do with his dream from last night? Was he walking through the courtyard?

Rocky spots his brother just standing in the middle of light traffic. Walking over to him, he pokes him in the back with his index finger. "What? You lose something?"

Blinking, he shakes his head. "No. I was just thinking about something."

"Oh."

Rocky continued by as though he had never stopped to talk in the first place. He hasn't felt that kind of ice from his brother since that time when he'd broken up with Paula. Its been off and on like this, his relationship with Rocky. But it isn't just with him, its with his parents too. They're also receiving bouts of cold shoulder from the usually calm and cool blond. Its understandable, though. They're taking their repairing relationship as it comes. Rocky would have to grin and bare it eventually though, because the Douglas's are having a family reunion and sort of a 'get-to-know-you-well', as well. After finding out about his new place in life, the families had planned on doing something like this for a while, but then Rocky went through something and then again and they had to put it off more than once. But this year will be the year when it happens. The Douglas's will finally co-exist with the McRae's on friendly terms. Rocky is even bringing Arc into it. The 7 year old is excited to see the family again, and meet new people. Arc is a very happy child, even moreso when receiving his ninja name earlier than any of them.

The day of names was fun for the child. Rocky helped their grandfather set up man test and obsticals for the boy to go through, and he passed every single one effortlessly. Rocky's son through and through; especially considering that most of his ninja training is done on dvd's sent to him when Rocky has time to make them. Until he's gotten a new one, Arc has continuelly done the older ones over. His best weapon being the nunchucks, he prefers a single, larger chuckle but he works well with the pair. As for movement, he's best at kicking- just as Rocky. He still can't do the splits, but he's getting very close and doing the stretches for it every day. And on that honored day, a mask was presented to the boy, done with various shades of green, mostly lighter ones, and to him was given the ninja name: Mantis. Rocky said to the boy that he's calm and calculating, though wild in battle, and he's always taking a thoughtful stance. Thoughtful, being that Arc still has the habit of bitting into his shirt, and when doing that his hands are up at his mouth resembling a praying mantis.

_'Paula... why does it feel like that dream had something to do with you?'_ Colt wonders.

It wouldn't be so far fetched; after all, since learning that she'd gotten out of the asylum where she'd been staying since her nervous break down, he's been wondering what's happened with her? Where she is? What she's doing?

_'I have her old number, but what good would that do?'_ Colt sighs. _'The number won't be in service; there weren't even proper cellphones back then.'_ Pushing open one of the double doors, he steps inside the next building, heading for his third class. _'If she is out... feeling better,'_ He corrects himself. _'There's no way she wouldn't contact Rocky, he must know something. I know he's the last person I should ask, but... I feel like I owe her an apology. Tch. After what I put her through, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't take it- I wouldn't. I'd slug me and tell me to keep peddling.'_ Outwardly groaning, he walks into the classroom, taking his seat. _'I'm really bad at repenting. And why am I even thinking about it? If I ever saw her again, I'd probably shit myself. ...Its better not to know. Let her live her new life. She's better off away from me.'_

44444

Tum Tum looks over his face in the mirror. He could be wrong but...

"Sweet." He leans closer to the mirror. "I'm getting facial hair- yes!" Backing up, he fixes his posture as if trying to look tougher or something to match his soon-to-be new looks. "I wonder if Paige likes 'em rugged?" With his index finger, he pretends that its a razor and brushes it down the side of his face. "Lookin' good T', you look good shaving."

"You look better when you're not talking to yourself." Paige's voice interupts. "Sorry to break up your self-love fest, but we gotta go. I wanna look at some more apartments before we get offers from schools."

"What offers? I'm going to a public college, like my brothers."

"Which I think is wrong. Rocky is boardering on genius and Colt... well, yeah, I can see Colt at public college.

"Oh, nice." Tum rolls his eyes.

"Whaaat? I'm not mocking him, I'm just as average student as he is. Which is why I applied for a better college."

Tum Tum laughed, turning around to face his girlfriend rather than look at her through the mirror. "You don't think they'll look at your grades and go- eh."

"Of course they will, but,"

"With you there's always a 'but'." He ushers her from the bathroom.

"BUT," She put more emphasis on the word. "I'm a brilliant dancer, to the point of being offered scholarships. So, I'm waiting on a better offer."

"Uh huh, and what's gonna happen to us while we attend different colleges?"

"Well, _boyfriend_," She snips; still unable to use his real or ninja name half the time. "you and I will get an apartment together in the city- won't it be cool. Just think of it."

"So, I'll be living with _you_ and commuting to college, when we could just live in dorms?"

"Could, but won't. In the long run renting a place together would be cheaper and better for us. Because once college is over, we'll already have a home and jobs. Its the ideal life. We're not gonna get stuck in a rut. Not this girl."

Tum tum has to think that over. She makes a very good point, but then, Paige usually is the brains of their opperation- as she's told him numerous times. It would be kind of cool living with his long time girlfriend. Although, Tum Tum often wonders how many relationships he would have had if Paige hadn't came along and slugged him that day. He honestly couldn't see himself with any other girls. He's looked, thought about it; while joking with his buddies, but at the end of the conversation it always came back to Paige. Her mop of blonde hair, her silly teeth that always reminded him of a rat- hence her rarely used nickname 'rat-face'- and he's pretty sure that its the same thing for Paige. At least he hopes so.

If you'd asked the younger boy if he ever saw himself with anyone, he'd of laughed. If when he did get someone, and you asked him if he'd have sex with her, again he'd laugh. but with Paige, its all the same emotions displayed; neither ready nor unwavered, but together they'll do it. He hasn't found that type of unity with anyone other than his family, so he supposed that that's why he loves her so much. They simply fit.

Walking downstairs, Paige heads for the kitchen. Grabbing and apple, she then walks to the front door pulling it open. "I'll drive." Outside, she's to then inside of her within seconds. Buckling the seatbelt, she sticks the key into the ingnition starting the car.

Tum Tum grabbed a banana and a single bottle of cranberry peach juice for the both of them. If they're gonna be looking at apartments this could take a while. Jessica knows about her son's wish to move into an apartment but, honestly, she doesn't believe that he'll go through with it. He's still her baby even if he's nineteen, just as Rocky will always be a certain age, and Colt will always be a certain age. Its a mother thing. But Tum tum is quite serious and has been saving up money from his small jobs taken here and there in the city. So far he's been a parking attendant... he lost that job once they found out he'd only just gotten his licence- but, to be fair- they said once he's been at it longer he could come back on. He's worked in the library stacking shelves, and swiping books to be checked out and in. Bored him to death, so he quit. And now he works as a waiter in a downtown diner. Between the two of them, they should be able to make a down payment on a pretty nice place.

"Ooh! Ooh!" They whoop up their favorite song from a rapper T.I.

Tum Tum isn't sure what brings them to love rap music as they do; could be the freedom of expression without screaming about, as rock music does, it could be that most rap songs are just fun to sing along with, but whatever the reason its just another one of those things the two have in common. The car stops at a red light; the two inhale deeply at the wonderful smell of fast food eateries surrounding the area. They would have to find an apartment somewhere around here, because the air is always so good.

"I wanna decorate; knowing you, you'll fill the house with as little as possible so you can keep a clear dance floor."

"What's wrong with that?" The car rolls forward. "I like dancing, you like watching me dance. Do you want me to fall behind in skill?"

"No. I just think it needs to look like people live in it."

Shrugging, the girl says. "Then we'll look for two bedrooms and leave that one empty for me."

"That works." Letting silence sit between them for a moment, Tum Tum looks over at his girlfriend then smiles. "You wanna come to the family reunion with me?"

"Depends on when it is, and why you're inviting me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Again, she shrugged. "I don't want you using something like a family affair to drop the question in my lap of marriage, forcing a yes out so that you're not humiliated." She turns to him sticking out her tongue.

"Why would I marry a bossy creep like you?" He sticks his tongue out at her.

"Because I'm awesome. I'm great for you." Nodding she laughs. "The reasons could go on."

Tum Tum snickers at that. Marry Paige. Its laughable... isn't it?

The car is parked outside of a building, leaving the apartment a few feet back for them to have to walk to.

"Alright, we're going in. Put on your best adult posture, and let's get us an apartment."

"Right." Tum Tum removes his sunglasses, fixes his sloppy bob to a more managed look then follows his girlfriend into the building.

44444

"Rocky?" Colt says when his brother walks into their room. He had to work up the courage to do this because he knows what answer he'll get, and he knows that because of that he'll have to argue his case, and he knows that his case will be laughed at and pushed aside. But he has to try.

"Hmm?" He's setting his things down at the desk. It looks as though he's planning on studying again.

"Can... I mean, I know you'll say no but... hear me out."

Taking a seat, Rocky turns in the chair to show him that he's listening. "Oookaay." Its said slowly as the older male isn't sure of what his brother wants that's so hard to just get out.

"Okay... you know how a few months back and... well..." He just wished he'd stop stammering. He felt like a child whose done something bad and is trying not to lie but he knows it will come out anyway.

"Colt, just say it." Rocky half laughed. He really doesn't know why his brother is acting this way. Sure, he's been a little distant from him, but he's still his brother- well cousin, but Rocky and Tum have only known Colt as their brother and that'll never change.

"Do you have Paula's phone number? I mean, you said she got out of the clinic and... I just wanna... call her, I guess."

Rocky is silent a moment, then he says softly. "I'll give it to you but... I have to think about the consequences of it first, before I do." Turning away, he opens his book, and a notebook. He's done with the conversation since there isn't much else to be said, and he really wants to get his work done.

"Oh. Thanks." That's Rocky for you, honest to a fault. But at least he didn't say, no. Standing, he leaves the room with a new wobble in his step as he just realized what he's done. Not only will he have to think of what to say once he does get the number, but he'll have the knowledge of whatever he says getting back to Rocky. They're already on thin ice, this is the last thing he needs to be doing to their fragile relationship. No. Rocky isn't that kind of person, regardless his many changes. He won't hate Colt because he apologizes or even says nothing but a lame, hello. The lack of conversation will probably be welcomed. The less he says, the less of a chance there is that he'll say something stupid.

...

Colt had only been asleep for twenty minutes and already he's dreaming. Its no different from the one yesterday night. Everything is shrouded in a bright white light again, and through that light he can, again, see a figure. Its a woman, its... its... It looks like Paula, but she's different somehow. Her face maybe... maybe her eyes... it could be the smile on her face, serene and secretive. Its not the kind of smile he'd seen on the girls face ever before. Its weird, though, seeing her in this dream. The last image he's known of his ex being at age 16.

"Paula?" He hears his own voice in the dream, but cannot see his own face.

Paula blinked in confusion when hearing her name, as if at this very moment she were having the same dream but Colt is the one who's blurry and unseeable. She said "Colt" but no sound came out, it was as if she'd only mouthed it.

When the girl smiled at him, she took a step forward, then another and another. But with each step she takes, he gets pushed further and further back from being reached. Holding his hand out, he can see it in his field of vision. "Dammit. Paula, stop running! I'll come to you instead!"

The girl stopped running, nodding that she understood. Colt felt relief wash over him, and he began to move forward. He had expected Paula to get pushed back, as he had been, but she stayed put. Closer... closer... closer...

"Finally. I've been dying to talk to you." He says quietly.

She says something that he cannot hear.

"I... I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

The serene dream shifted suddenly, so suddenly Colt felt his weight drop to the floor but the floor is gone! He's falling!

Rocky shakes his whailing brother until Colt's eyes pop open. The younger male sits up still in a panic. His heart beating hard enough to explode; it felt like, if the all the people who had a fear of heights just lost it, the accumulated fear just leaped into Colt's body. He's shaking hard, his vision still seeing the swirl of brown dirt that passed his vision as he fell.

"Are you ok?" Rocky's voice broke through the fear.

"Y..." He tried to say but his voice feels raw, and strained.

"Its ok. I'll get you a drink. Just wait here." Rocky heads over to the mini-fridge grabbing a bottle of water. Twisting the cap to break the seal, he hands the bottle to his brother. "Here."

Colt took the bottle, tilting his head back taking big gulps. Lowering the bottle, he holds it tentively in his hands on his lap. "I... had a really weird dream."

"I could tell. Do you remember it?" He takes a seat on his own bed.

Colt thought for a moment. The fear still with him, but the dream itself is a bit foggy. _'Foggy?'_ He thinks. "Everything was white... and empty, but... She was there. Paula was... I was trying to apologize to her when I just sort of fell." He chuckles dryly. To think something like that could be so frightening.

"Well, I can't say that I know what it means. Maybe all it is, is build up from wanting to see her again." He shrugs. "You could be more worked up than you know."

That made sense. He'd often have nightmares about doing really poorly on test back when he was in middle and highschool. This could just be another one of those moments. Colt didn't figure himself the anxious type, but life keeps proving otherwise. He even had bad dreams about the McRae's and his own family, when he'd found out that he might not really be a Douglas.

"Dreams like this are what happen when you have too much emotional build up. You've gotta learn to start talking to someone, you know, venting a bit."

"Maybe."

"Not 'maybe'. You're gonna keep having nightmares until you find a way to get rid of the stress."

Colt thought about that, nodding to himself. He could at least give it a try. Rocky hated the idea of therapy, but he still goes. Maybe, he should find someone- not professional help, no. But just a friend he can talk to. But who? Who'd understand?"

...

Colt had been figiting all through class, waiting for it to be over so that he could talk to his friend, not teacher, Lissa. When the bell finally sounded and the students made for the exit he hurries over to the desk.

"Lissa? Can I talk to you about something?" After a second he adds. "When you're free, I mean."

Cocking a brow, the woman sets down a pencil she's been twirling between her fingers since class had ended. "Sure. But, I warn you... if you're gonna ask me out again-..."

Cutting her off, he assures her and says. "No. Its nothing like that."

"Oh. Then of course I'll lend you an ear." She smiles at him. "Is four o'clock good?"

"Its great! Thanks."

"You're welcome." She removes her glasses setting them down on the desk. "See you then." Standing, she walks over to the board to erase it.

"Wait for me in the courtyard?"

"Mhm."

"Okay. Thanks again." He heads out of the room.

Colt felt a lot better now. Teachers have told him time and time again that he could turn to them for help, but that just seems so stupid. Why would he tell a teacher about anything that was bugging him? They would only report it to the school counselor and then he'd end up talking to one of them, and they're about as helpful as... well... something useless. Speaking with friends is easier. He just hoped Lissa wouldn't wanna comment on it or, ask too many questions.

44444

Annalisse was beside herself with emotions. She wasn't sure what she thought about going to California, and meeting the Douglas family. After all, it wasn't exactly friendly terms that brought them together, or moved them apart on that final day when all of her father Ben's dirty secrets came out. But in the end, it was what she wanted, right? To have Jeffrey gone. But, honestly, it wasn't due to dislike or anything like that... it was only because she hated to see her mother hurting so much over a child that really wasn't her own. It was a sad and terrible thing what happened to the real Jefferson, but she could not live the lie that was told to her.

Jeffrey didn't lie, he had kept in contact with them via letters and phone calls over holidays but it was only recently that he'd invited them to come down and mingle with his live-in family. Annalisse wasn't against it, but she wasn't for it either... her feelings were more like on the fence. Jeremy was losing his mind over it, wondering what he could buy; take pictures of; brag to his friends about. He also hoped for a beach trip to see girls in bikinis. 15 year olds, you can only roll your eyes over them. John is excited too; he really hit it off with Rocky and wants the chance to get to know him better. She would also like to get to know Rocky better, her crush dwindled a bit, but she was sure that seeing him again would bring it all back. She's only female after all. Jamie, her mother was nervous... after what their family did to the Douglas' she wouldn't blame them for treating her cruelly, her father either. But they seemed on board when Colt told them about it, almost excited to get to know them. They're very remarkable, and understanding people.

Piper made her promise to get pictures of a choice few celebraties, and buy her a very fashionable dress; which she thankfully forked over her own cash for. Fumiko wanted nothing, just told her to have a good time and if she wanted to bring something back for her, she was welcomed to. Her things have been packed and put away in the closet for when the time comes. It seems soon for packing but, when your nerves are on high alert for everything and anything, you tend to do things to comfort yourself in any small way that you can.

Her biggest fear will be seeing that woman Sabrina... she wouldn't be there. Would she?


	2. Toxic Love

Colt met with Lissa at a little shop for college students. The prices are cheap and reasonable on a students budget. The interior is polished wood; rounded tables with checkered table clothes, and wooden chairs with checkered cushions on the seat; a bar is at the back of the room for ordering drinks and food. His, off the clock teacher, sat waiting for him in the corner of the room at a table close to the large window. He spotted her right away and crossed the room; pulling out a seat for himself, he sits down.

"So, what was it that you wanted to talk about?" Lissa said getting right down to business; apperantly her mind wasn't yet off-the-clock as her casual attire, and lack of reading glasses.

"Its kind of hard to get into... you see, its about a girl."

"Oh. Birds and the bees?" She teased poking Colt on his dimpled cheek.

Chuckling, Colt shakes his head. "Its about a girl I used to go with... her name was-... is, Paula."

Lissa nods, encouraging him to go on.

"To make it clear, I should go from the start... but that could take some time."

"I've got time."

Colt believed that too. Something about this woman... it always feels so familiar. "Back when I was like, you know, fourteen... the age when you start seeing girls as anything but icky, Rocky kinda had been seeing that girl I mentioned a moment ago."

"And she was your first interest?"

"Well, yeah. She was different somehow than any of the others." He taps his fingers absently on the table top, watching it all the while. "When Rocky was seeing Emily, she only instilled the idea that girls are fully disgusting. But Paula..." He trails off as if saying her name could make him see her. "She... had an air about her, calm but disrupted. Do you know what I mean?"

Lissa shakes her head.

"Well, like how you can see the ocean; the water is crystal clear, and flat as ice... but within minutes, the wrong moon or change of wind could turn it into a cyclone."

"You mean, it was like she had something to hide?"

"Not intentionally." He defended. "Just... personal matters that she'd rather not share..." Audibly drawing in a breath, he sighs it out. "I had no idea just how much she was truly hiding. Rocky prized Paula, not like he thought she was an object, but yes, like she were made of glass or maybe she were a child discovering things for the first time."

Lissa's fingers curled into her palm hearing that. Noticing this, she released them and instead grabs her glass of tea.

"They never kissed, and if they did it was never around anyone." Colt felt weird saying it, but he had to say it because it in of itself was weird.

"It could have been done privately; especially if he felt watched by certain people."

Shaking his head, Colt takes a sip of his drink after noticing that Lissa is playing on hers. "Umm, could have been. Rocky kissed Emily, Tum and I saw him lots of times... but not her. She was special, and in some ways I guess I kind of became attracted to her because of that."

Lissa sips her drink, setting the glass down on the table once done.

"Its so dumb, I know, but I couldn't help myself." He watched as someone passed by the window, then looked back at his friend. "That air of mystery and importance from Rocky, I..."

"Maybe it wasn't Paula that had you so infatuated but the love from your brother that she'd received."

"Why would I want Rocky's love, I have it... I'm his brother." He said it, but his tone said he didn't quite believe it as he should.

Lissa wondered if that was what middle child syndrome was about. Noticed, but not really noticed in their own eyes.

"And like a big heel, I sorta went after her time. Any chance to be alone with her I could get, I took it... and it was rare because Rocky never let her out of his sight, if he could help it." Getting to the point he adds. "I just had to know... One day, she was sitting in the living room of our house; quietly waiting for Rocky or maybe not, she didn't seem to be waiting. Her attention was on the tv... I changed the channel, just to see if she'd say anything," He shrugs, blushing. "As well as having an air of mystery, she rarely spoke... she did say something, not about my changing what she was watching, but about what was left on."

Lissa cocks her head to that.

"It was basketball, she said "I never understood the points systems in sports". I tell ya... I was floored. I didn't know she had an accent, it was... you know?"

"Kinda hot?" She laughed at the expression Colt made.

"Geez Lissa, I hate when you talk like a guy." He chuckled too, though. "But yeah, kinda hot. I told her it was easy, and explained it... and you know what, we went outside and played some ball together." He looks out the window, a thoughtful expression in his eyes and smile. "She was really good at it- made every shot. I thought I'd humor her and, you know, throw a couple shots but... she dominated without my giving her a handicap."

"Where was Rocky at the time?"

Colt shrugs. "I dunno, I think after school activity-... no wait, mom took him to get some new sneakers at the athletics store."

"Oh. What an opportunity for you."

Colt nods. "After that, whatever wall we had between each other just slipped away. We both admitted once that we felt like better friends. She's hung out with Tum Tum and always was with Rocky, but with me she was stand-offish. I didn't know why until a year went by and she'd told me that she had a crush on me."

"Wow." It was said in a tone that said, he was fortunate and yet, unfortunate.

"I know. I told her that I had a crush on her, and it was so weird that she had one on me too."

He was silent for a moment. He knew what Lissa would ask, and he always felt guilty about it, even to this day. Especially to this day, knowing how things turned out and all. "I told her that I would persue her, that eventually she and I would get a chance to go out."

"That's very bold of you... what did she say to that?"

"She scoffed and said "Good luck", I wasn't joking either and when my grandfather took Rocky and Tum Tum to Japan- since they missed out the last time I went and, I had to go with my cousins... I made my move. She was my summer love and I was hers. We never kissed or anything, just hung out like we were a couple; by no means did I feel it was right, but then she'd told me that Rocky knew about it. They told each other everything, no matter what." Colt held a sort of jealous tone to that statement. "It was surprising but at the same time a relief, I didn't think I'd like to explain it to my brother. It was around Halloween when they'd finally parted ways and I was able to really go out with her."

"How?"

"She and Rocky had a long discussion about it," He shrugged. "I don't know the details, but I do know that he told her that she'd get hurt," A dry laugh escaped his mouth. "I told Rocky he had no right to say something like that about me, and he told me in a very serious tone... a tone I've never heard him take with anyone, that if I hurt her beyond repair... he would hate me forever." Colt shakes his head remembering that tone. "I told Rocky to fuck off, he was being an over protective creep, and he should let her experience life for a change- that she wasn't a damned doll but... if I knew..."

Lissa reached across the table, taking Colt's hand, giving it a squeeze.

"We were great together, we laughed, we had fun... honestly, I think I was turning her into a tomboy." The two chuckle. "It was when I was sixteen that our family had moved to florida over the summer. I refused to be there; I wasn't gonna be that new guy in a new enviroment, plus... I was in love."

Lissa smiled hearing that. It was sweet.

"So, we moved and she and I called our relationship quits. Why be together long distance, we didn't have the bond she and Rocky still do- we thought it would be hopeless. But after a year of being there, I bought a plane ticket and flew back to L.A. I asked my mom and dad to let me stay, just through the summer... they agreed and so, there I was... alone, living with my ex-girlfriend."

"Where were her parents?"

"Divorced, and who knew then about her father. Her mother is a doctor and was always working. She came home whenever she could, though... she was just as nice and sweet as Paula." He looks at his lap. "I should have known no good would come from us. I'm just not cut out for sweet people... I need edges, I guess... but until the bomb hit us, we were great."

Their food came, they'd been so engrossed in the conversation that they hadn't even realized they'd ordered anything; in the length it took to dress a salad with grilled chicken slices and sprinkle a stack of fries with steak seasoning. The two sit with their thoughts about those words Colt had been saying. Lissa isn't entirely sure what the male is saying, but he seems to be very driven to some sort of resolve with the matter, but also determined to continue hiding from it, or maybe from himself.

"We didn't know what we were anymore, once I showed up that summer." His words brought her from her thoughts. "It was so funny... I could barely look at her that first day and yet..." His words trailed off.

Lissa could picture it. Two kids in love with one another, stealing glances while they move about an empty home. Both of them wondering what this show of affection meant, how far it would go if it were good.

"That was the first time we'd slept together..." Again Colt's voice removed her from her thoughts. "It was near the end of the summer, we had come back from a friendly little date and we just messing around in the kitchen. Paula was frighteningly independant... I once thought it was cool, when I'd heard about her mother rarely being home. I thought she must have so much freedom to do whatever, but... at night. It must have been hard for her..." He takes a fry eating it slowly. "I had always wondered why she had to be over at our house so much, it seemed every other day she was spending the night. My parents trusted her and Rocky so much she could actually sleep in the same bed as he did. They'd never trust me in the same house as a girl, and I wasn't even sexually active yet."

"Parents intuition." Lissa comments.

"Ahaha. Probably." After swallowing another three fries, he takes a sip of his pepsi. "It was such a great summer... a great time for the both of us. My family ended up coming back to L.A. half way through the next school year, a different house but in the same neighborhood. I was so happy, ya know. But then it happened... In the spring Paula told me that she was pregnant."

"Pregnant?"

Nodding, Colt absently stirs his drink with his straw. "We'd been sleeping together off and on, not like kids in heat but... you know, she was my first and I don't know... I couldn't get enough. She slept with Rocky once; she told me that it was to ease her fears. I asked her, what fears and she told me... she told me that her father... for years... he used to..."

Lissa shakes her head, squeezing Colt's hand. "You don't have to tell me that, if its private."

"I was angered. I felt... betrayed, lied to, falsely informed. I knew then why Rocky treated her like glass and I..." Colt closes his eyes. "I felt dirty, I felt like one those people; and to find out that she was pregnant... I was only sixteen. I was barely incharge of myself, I couldn't take care of a baby on top of the mental pain of what I'd just found out. I could only think ditch her. I felt so relieved when I came up with my plan to do so, that I feel sick remembering it now." He swallows a lump in his throat. "I spread rumors about her, I told other girls that I was unhappy dating her, but I felt obligated to be with her, and they should do something about it."

Lissa felt sick. How could Colt be so cruel?

"At the time, it really was a good idea... the girls at school really helped me out, and they would call her names, tell her that she doesn't deserve me. It hurt her so much but she stuck by me, I was getting desperate... so, I eventually told her that she had one week left to be my girlfriend, and she should enjoy it because it would never happen again."

Strike that last comment, Lissa was going to have a heart attack from how quickly her blood pressure went up. That kind of thing is what's wrong with the world right now, what causes young girls to be so driven to this unachieving perfection- it isn't models, a girl knows what she looks like, she poses to see her future... its men that hurt them, men that make them believe its that girl in the book they should be when they make cat calls while stealing their magazines. Its men that...

"Lissa, are you okay?"

She hadn't even realized that her glass had shattered in her hand, bits of the broken mess are stuck in her palm that's now being cleaned up by Colt. "I'm sorry for upsetting you. It upsets me too, having to realize that I'm the one who did it."

"No, its... I think I should go. I have a lot of paperwork to go through."

"Okay. Let me wrap your hand first..."

"No. I'll take care of it when we get back." Watching out for the waiter who came over to clean up the mess, she stands.

"Okay."

Walking towards the exit; Colt behind her, after paying the bill, she quickly crosses the parking lot. Lissa actually couldn't have crossed the lot fast enough as tears were building around her eyes; and as she unintentionally jerked open the door of her car. But something was bothering her...

"Colt... what happened to her, after that?"

"I... she ended up in a home. It happened a week after all that... she just couldn't take it."

"And... what did you want to tell me for?"

"I thought that you could tell me what to do, you're a woman... you might know how I can apologize to her, when we talk."

"You're going to talk to her?" It seems so impersonal and rude, speaking over cars like this but she couldn't be close to Colt right now, her nerves too raw, and too volatile.

"If she'll talk to me. Its been too long, and this meeting... I think it needs to happen, if it doesn't... I don't know, I just don't feel like I'll be able to live with myself for much longer." He laughes kindly. "Besides, isn't bettering yourself always the best plan of action?"

Smiling, she nods. "Yes. Always. I hope your meeting with her goes well."

"Me too and, thanks for listening."

"If I have any ideas, of how to get into a woman's good graces, I'll let you know."

"Thanks."

Climbing into her car, she starts the engine and drives it away.

_'That was weird... I hope I didn't upset her too much.'_ Getting behind the steering wheel, he snaps his seatbelt across him. Starting the car, he pulls out of the lot then drives back to the campus.

...

"We found a two bedroom, mom." Tum tum says enthusiastically. "Together, its not out of our price range."

"Aaaw, Tum Tum, why do you have to leave at all?" Setting her plate on the table, Jessica sits down and reaches for the salt shaker. "Your brothers have gone and left, and now you. I've gotta have someone in this house with me."

Chuckling, Tum Tum wriggles his brows and says with a coaxing tone. "You can always replace us. You're what? 31?"

Jessica laughed heartily hearing that comment. Her youngest was too kind sometimes. "Yeah right. We're not gonna be making any new babies anytime soon."

"Hey," He shrugs nonchalantly. "I'm just saying that it could happen."

Stirring the salt and pepper into the meal, Sam says. "Maybe you and Paige will get married and give us some grand kids?"

Tum tum nearly gagged on his drink of milk. "Grandkids? Grandkids? As in, Paige and I will be providing said kids? What about Arc? He's a good kid and-..."

Jessica and Sam snicker around their glasses.

"Relax Michael, I'm not telling you to go out and do it right now. I'm only saying that you and she are pretty close, its a possibilty." Sam clears his statement up. "Anyhow, you're right about what you said, Arc is a pretty good kid." He takes a bite, chewing then swallows. "Could do without having his head filled with so much ninja stuff, though."

"Hey, if I ever do have kids, they're gonna be full of 'that ninja stuff' too, Dad."

"Guess Jeffrey will be our last hope."

Jessica shrugs. "Traditions, tradition in this family." She takes a sip of her iced tea.

A moment of silence passes between them as they eat their meal. Tum tum breaks the silence by asking. "What do you think its gonna be like- meeting the McRae's? We've only really known them through assosiation... I don't want them to come here and be unhappy- worse, judge us."

"I don't think they have any reasons to judge us, and we don't have any reason to judge them." Jessica comments. "This will be a good start for both our families... its just too bad about the Ballerini's." She says calmly.

Tum tum can hear the distaste distant in his mother's voice. She hasn't quite forgiven that whole thing, even after the years that have gone by; and the fact that Rocky is doing alright. Some changes really stick with you, just as some pains do.

"I'm actually lettting myself get excited. And your cousins are coming as well, Sean and Evan." Finished with her meal, she cleans up her plate. "I only hope I buy enough for all of us."

"Just be sure to make tons of your potato salad, Dad. You know its the star of barbecues."

Pleased by that, Sam nods. "I'll be sure to buy several bags of potatoes." Changing subject, he asks. "So about this place, when are you and Paige moving in?"

"Let's not get back on that subject, thank you." Pointing at her son with a sponge in hand, she says. "Michael, you're too young to be moving in with a girlfriend."

"But mom, I'm like stupid responsable-..."

Getting up from his seat, Sam says. "Son, responsable people don't put 'stupid' before the word."

"Well, I am... and I'll call, visit, and you and Dad can visit whenever you want." Standing with his own plate in hand, he continued to argue his point. "I'll even leave a spare key with you, so you can drop in on me whenever your hearts desire to catch me in any seedy act that you think I'm in." He smiles innocently.

Jessica twist her mouth in thought. "Anytime I want, huh?"

"Anytime."

"...Alright, we'll see how things work out- but!" She had to raise her voice over his loud cheer. "If you ever want to come back, or it gets to be too much for you to handle... you come home."

"Wild wolves can't keep me away." Kissing her on the cheek, he turns his attention to the living room where he just heard the door bell.

"That would be my lovely girlfriend now, we're going to a movie. They've got this new horror out about a demon in the mirror, I can't wait."

"Eeuuw," She chuckles. "have fun."

"Thanks. Bye guys."

Sam patted his son on the back as he walked by. "More kids, huh?"

"I know, the nerve of that clown." She places a pot into the dishwasher. "Can you see us now, trying to have another baby? Ha!"

"Mmm, I don't know." Kissing his wife on top of her head, he says flirtatiously. "Trying would be kind of nice."

Kissing her husband, she places a wet plate between them when he pulls her closer. "Start scrubbing cassanova."

"Yes, dear."

Rocky kneels down, hand landing onto the soft grass below. He looks at the headstone with a sad but, sweet smile on his face. "I hate having to talk to you about something like this," He says quietly. "but... I need a little guidance. Its about Colt, he... he wants to talk to Paula again. He hasn't seen her but once since she went into the home and... I don't know, I guess he feels regretful over what he'd done and wants to apologize for it." Shifting his position, he's now indian style, one arm resting on a bent knee, the other extended so his hand can pick at some blades of grass. "I should be thrilled that he's finally grown up and feels something towards what he'd done but, I don't know... what if this meeting only sets back all the progress she's made. Its like a double edged sword... on the one hand, it would be great for the both of them, the other... it could end up destroying all that's been gained."

The wind blew gently by.

"Yes, she's only human, and we all need to learn to deal with pain but... I'll always want the best for her; her happiness is the one thing in life that I thought I could do right in life. It was a fools dream, I know, but I felt the same way about you- call it a HERO complex or something." He shrugs. "I'm gonna give Colt her number but if he asks to meet her, he's not gonna be very happy with the end result. She's changed- a lot and I don't know if she'll present to him that girl he knew. I've never seen a bitterness in her eyes like that day when she called me, and she and I met up." He lets out a sigh. "She wasn't mad at me, she was mad at herself... that fury... I know its determination, but its also pain." Closing his eyes, he can feel tears prickling behind his lids. "I messed up by babying her, I should have thrown her in head-long back then, then maybe she wouldn't have been so broken. Paula isn't that girl anymore, she's strong... she can handle this. I'm gonna let them talk, and I will respectfully excuse myself from the room when he does so."

Happy with his decision, he puts on an honest smile. "Enough doom and gloom, let's talk about something lighter. Things are good for me; school and all. You know that book I was writing back when we were in Connecticut? I've finally finished, now I'm waiting for someone to send me a notice saying they'd like to publish it. Its nerve wrecking, it really is. I of course would love to have a novel out- especially a detective novel. I switched the star of my story, though, I changed his name from Jordan to Robbie. Its my way of thanking you for being around then." Chewing on his bottom lip, he thinks of something more that he can say, but nothing is coming to mind. "In all of two years," He says with a chuckle. "and this is my great conversation... We're gonna have a family reunion in June, the twelth... the McRae's are gonna be here and Arc. It should be eventful, I'll be sure to remember every aspect of it to tell you. For now, I'll just enjoy the silence- is that alright?" Snickering, he lays down on his back, looking up at the bright blue, cloudy sky. "I thought so."

When Rocky got back from the cemetery, he found Colt sitting in their room at the desk by the window. His gaze is outside, a distant stare at nothing. He didn't even acknowledge that his brother had walked in until he was right up on him, and taking a sheet of paper that he'd been writing on.

"What's this?"

"Hmm?" He comes out of his blank daze to notice that Rocky has taken his paper. "Oh, I was trying to figure out what to say to her."

"You're writing it down? Why?"

"So I won't get choked up while my throat is closing up on me." He admits with a heavy sigh. Taking the paper back, he sets it down on the desk.

Cocking his head, he backs up to take a seat on his bed. "You really are serious about this." He comments.

"I am." Nodding, Colt turns himself in the seat so he can see his brother's face. "There comes a point in a guys life when he looks at his pains and struggles and says, it's enough now. I want it to be enough, I want things to be different between Paula and me... I want her... I want her to come back from wherever she's hidden herself- to be a part of our lives again. Before we started going out, she really was one of my best friends... I never saw her any other way before it changed."

"What if you're unable to get it back? What then?"

"I won't push it but dammit, I'm gonna not gonna stop until I've exhausted every plan I've come up with to see that it happens."

"Plans? Colt, plans don't ever work in situations like this." His gaze is steady and stern, seeing that his brother gets it. "Paula's changed Colt... a lot. Even if she agrees to speak with you, even if you become friends over the phone, online, through letters... you can never meet her face to face. You're never gonna be ready for it."

"So you've seen her?" He stands. Colt can feel a certain anger boiling inside himself. Its always like this when it comes to Rocky and his relationship with Paula. "You're always protecting her- seeing to it that she never has a life outside of anyone but you! Don't you think that maybe in some ways a guy like me is good for her?" Stalking over to his brother he gets into his face, looming down over him. "That maybe kisses and cuddles aren't the best solution to anything!"

"Hn. You've proven that belief to me in more ways than way in the past year, so don't you preach to me as if I don't know who you are and exactly what it is you do when you're unaware of it. You're destructive, Colt, and not in any healthy way. You and Paula had a love, I'll give you that, but it was doomed and toxic from the start... I knew it, I told her, and yet she still gave you a chance anyway." The ice in his gaze faded instantly. "You know how that turned out. You know what happened afterwards- not just between yourself and Paula, but you and me."

"Yeah, and you still treat me like shit when the memory strikes you."

"Isn't it what you deserve? What you've earned? I warned you about hurting her but you did it anyway... do you know what she said to me? Hm? She said that: if he'd of just told me that he couldn't handle the pressures of being a father, or that things just weren't going to work out between the two of you anymore, she would have understood."

Colt looked surprised by that. He thought for sure that she was more invested in their relationship then that... or maybe...

"Yeah, it was your ego that hyped her love for you up. All you, Colt. She's no dummy, she knew that you're the kind of guy who likes a spotlight shined on him when he's with a girl, and so do I. Do you even notice that about yourself? A girl is just a verbel mirror to you, nothing more."

"That isn't... true..." But his voice cracked as if he weren't sure. He honestly can't remember a single girl he's dated that didn't seem to adore him to a noticable degree- except for Paula, or at least he had thought that she didn't until she admitted to having a crush on him. "I'm not that person anymore, Rocky. I'm changing, in a small ways, but they're good ways no matter what the size. And that's why you've gotta let me speak to her."

"I don't 'gotta' do a thing. But, I said I would think about it, and I have. Here," Removing his cellphone from his pocket he locates the number having it dialed. Waiting a moment, he says. "Hello?" Listening, he then says. "I know; I think it is too, but... I just called so that you could speak to Colt." He listens again.

Colt can feel his heart straining to beat, he just barely hear her voice on the other side of the phone.

"Yeah, I'm handing it off now..." Holding his phone out to his brother, he says. "There you go. I'll let you talk privately." Getting up, he leaves the room.

Colt swallowed hard, bringing the cell up to his ear. "Paula?"

"Hello, Colt..."


	3. Show me the meaning

If pain could be drawn out, it would be the letter Q. Why? Its very simple really, because there are certain things in a person's life that they unconsciously fear the most, and not common fears like the dark or heights, snakes or spiders. No, they fear larger things. Things you don't often realize will happen outright. For some its rejection, others fear the quiet, some people fear loneliness never realizing that these fears exist because of the other. Rejection creates quiet. Quiet creates loneliness. And in turn loneliness turns into the rejection of others when company is offered. Its a circle of despair that wraps around you like a thick, wet blanket planning to keep you pinned where you lay. To smother you in its reality until you've gone mad and eventually find yourself in its final stage... The Alone. Paula Neil, a Thai-American, brilliant student, and talented painter; daughter of a Dr. Jodi Neil and businessman Mark Chester, grew up in pain. Through the Douglas family, and Rocky's love she found her footing in happiness only to have it ripped away from her due to trust. A trust which she hadn't even realize she'd given until it was too late and her world had spiraled out of control. She lived and breathed the pain of the Q. Why is pain 'Q' some wonder. Its obvious really if you think about pain. Rejection. Quiet. Loneliness. You run this circle until your mind finally speaks out and tells you that you're alone. The final rejection, the stem to yourself... a Q.

Its hard... once you've found that Q. Getting out is no easy task, and they say those that have are changed forever. Not bitter... not jaded... they simply exist, and keep it that way. Nothing to lose, no will to gain. They're puppets, dolls like Pinochio, only they're made of flesh and bone. Though kind, their voices hold a certain sharpness in back, that even the cruellest of tongues dare not bother to step to. They are by no means tough, nor are they looking for a fight around every corner. They've just hardened, and with tongue and cheek made of stone... stone can't help but scrape against stone. But... in that hardness... can you find a solution to allow you to feel again? Paula certainly didn't think so, and yet when he'd said her name... her name... she felt her lips part. Felt her breath move forward from her mouth carrying a single word... his name.

"Colt."

_'Colt.'_ Notes the male silently. _'She called me Colt. Not Jeffrey, not even Jeff... no empty 'hi'. But Colt.'_ Something about that gesture meant the world to the ninja. It meant she cared. It meant that he wasn't shoved out. It meant that she could forgive him. Maybe she even already has.

"Hello?"

He had yet to say anything beyond her name, as his mind continued to bask in the thought of forgiveness.

"Are you still there?" She asks again.

Her slight accent still sent shivers down his spine, and a smile tugged instantly to his lips. "Paula..." He said quietly. "I... I'm not really sure what to say. I honestly didn't think that I'd get this far- you know, that we could make contact with each other."

"Because you didn't know my number?" She said in a voice faint with humor.

Colt laughed, it was hollow and shaky. It was supposed to be a pleasent sound, but fear couldn't help but have left etchings along his voice. He'd honestly thought he wouldn't get this far because of Rocky's feelings towards the situation, and his own nerves wearing him down like sand paper to rough wood. But she thought it was that simple, that, or she's allowing him leeway to the situation because she knows of the reasons as well as he does. They're walking on broken glass, and only their own personal drive can bring them to the cleared center. Only problem is... what waits once they're there. Peace. Danger. The shards of glass, the hurting memories could be all that's left between them. They could go on circling around that void in the center, holding onto each stinging, slicing piece until they both vanish from each others lives completely from wear and tear. That can't happen.

"Paula, I have so much that I wanna say and... and I'm having a really hard time saying it because I feel like one wrong word will fuck it all up."

Her laugh came out dry and as a single sound, though it wasn't a scoff. "There's nothing left to be fucked so..."

Colt wasn't sure if that was a joke or not, but he heard himself chuckle softly, glad when he'd heard the same from her. "I... I kind of wanted to start by saying that, you know," He can feel himself begin to stammer. He's got three bad quirks about himself when he gets nervous. He stammers around the topic, or he starts swearing here and there without being aware of it, and the other... "I miss having you around. I miss that."

It was silent on her end.

"I uh... I wanted to visit you at the home, so many times but... I didn't think it would be right."

"You were right to think so, because it wouldn't have been." She swallowed thickly. "In fact, I think that I would have been outraged- granted I was concious enough to recognize who was in the room with me."

Hurt. Colt felt suddenly stabbed by those words... mostly because the seemed intentional. Was it to have him know what he would have seen had he gone to see her, or was it to let him know that being there in the first place was his fault? It was hard to say, but her silence afterwards was not comforting. He had to say something, he had to keep them moving forward instead of around. "Paula... I... wanna meet you someplace. I wanna talk face to face."

The line died. He'd pushed it. Before when he'd mentioned the 3 things that he does to thoroughly fuck himself over, that would be thing number 3. Eagerness. He pushes fast and he pushes hard. And its always been like that with him. He's got an unintentional brash way of living and it drives him into these tight situations that he can barely manage to repair. But that was it, the contact was broken in that quick instant. He'd failed. Releasing a long breath, he couldn't believe that he'd been holding it the entire time. The courage to be in the call had hauled itself inside of him, remaining there to be used only to be forced out when its courage was failed by. Slumping down onto his bed, he dropped his head feeling the weight of his own stupidity weighing on him. He actually would have liked to have Rocky stay. At least he would verbally dig into him so that he can stop mentally digging into himself. It hurts a lot less that way...

...

That night. Colt had a different dream about himself and Paula. They were... well... to be perfectly blunt, they were having sex. It was erotic and yet, kind of creepy. The last time he'd seen her she was a just a teenager like himself, so her looks haven't changed and yet, in the dream, he's 22 as he is now. It was like watching a pedophile with his face, yet, he couldn't look away. Couldn't stop his arousal. He woke up in a start at the end of it. Shot straight up in bed, like you'd see in the movies or something; breathing hard, sweaty. He looks around the room, darkness greeted him at first then the light sounds of his brother breathing in his own sleep or maybe...

"What were you dreaming about?" Rocky asked.

He probably couldn't sleep either. Colt had heard him rustling around many nights past, knowing what his brother's nightmare consist of but never asking. He couldn't, knowing how Rocky felt about the subject. Rocky is like that. He severes... Colt wasn't sure if his brother was even aware of it; but Rocky will see damange and like a ninja in battle, he'll cut it down with a force that tells it not to get back up.

"Its... kind of embarrassing."

"Embarrassing because it was a sex dream?" He said bluntly.

Colt was glad it was some time in the middle of the night, because the blush spreading across his face could rival a beet. Reluctantly, he says. "Yeah."

"Well, if it will console you any... it only means that you want to be closer to the person you're dreaming about." After a pause he adds. "And not _that_ close. I mean, you want a better relationship with them."

"How does that make sense?" Confusion was clear in his tone.

Sitting up propped on his elbow and forearm, he faces his brother. "We as humans begin to see sex as a way to get close to someone we care about. Its the physical about it... we'll hug family members, give each other kisses on the cheek... humans need touch. No matter how minor."

Smiling, Colt sits up in the same position as his brother. "You really know your stuff, Rocky. Thanks... I was starting to feel like a pedophile because I haven't seen Paula since we were teenagers. And while I was with her I was an adult." Laying back on his pillow, he sighs. "I really wanna see her."

"I don't think you're ready."

"I am."

"You're not. You're too raw Colt, too unhinged by just the call... and she's probably feeling the same thing." He lays back down as well. "I think that when the time comes you'll know when you're both ready to see one another... but right now, just let go."

"But I can't. I'm missing sleep because these dreams keep running through my head!" His voice hissed loudly. "I wanna make things right between us... I wanna get back my friend."

"You've got her... you've always had her; that's the problem, though. Neither of you is ready for it."

"I can't keep having these nightmares." He sounds very sure. Determined. "I may not be able to meet with her in your opinion, but in mine..." He trailed off. If he said it, much like with the phone call, his confidence would loosen and slide out of him.

Rocky remained silent while his brother thought. He had some thinking to do himself, and from this he asked. "What did you guys talk about? The phone call wasn't very long. I came back after ten minutes, I thought you'd still be talking but you weren't..."

"I asked to meet with her; she hung up right after that."

"Too soon." Was all Rocky had said about the matter. He then said, softly. "Get some sleep, Colt. Collect yourself for a while, give her time to do the same and everything will work out when the time is right. Okay?"

With a heavy sigh beforehand, Colt nods. "Fine. You're probably right anyway." Closing his eyes, he awaits another bout of restless sleep. He really should collect his thoughts; write them down so that it comes out perfectly and smoothly. He can't let this go... no matter what.

Tum tum stretched his arms up over his head. Plopping down onto the couch he kicks his legs up onto the coffee table. "Paige, this is classy. I feel right in this house. I feel... right."

Cocking her head to the side in detest, she swats at his sneakered feet to remove them from the piece of furniture. "Its an apartment dummy, and don't think you're gonna put sneakers onto everything." Kicking her own feet up onto the table with her hands behind her head resting on the back of the couch, she says. "Take your sneaks off if you're gonna lounge in here."

Scrunching his nose at his girlfriend he does as he's "sorta" told and kicks his feet from his sneakers, then, returns his feet to the table. "Aaaahh" He sighs refreshedly. "this is the good life."

The two of them paid for the apartment that they liked and as the days went on they started moving things into it. Things from home like: their beds, a dresser or two. They got plateware from the Dollar Tree along with some glasses and plastic bowls. Furniture was the hard part, and they found themselves having nothing but a bed to occupy on, until they worked a little longer to be able to rent some couches from the Rainbow Rental. In a year the livingroom will belong to them. Pots and things they didn't worry about yet; figuring they could eat ramen and other things they really only needed the microwave for now, and luckily the Douglas's have been through two of them. And with help from his father wallet, Tum tum paid to get it fixed. But, if they are ever really hurting for a different meal they can always go home and borrow a pot and pan... or left-overs.

So far Paige has had her friends over and they've approved. Tum tum planned on bringing his friends over sometime during next week. They're all wicked jealous. Its great. They all plan to stay in a dorm or at home and just drive over when they have a class or hang out on campus, returning home at the end of the day. But he and Paige had a plan, and with the way things have turned out they see that it was a good one after all; every one was sure they'd be on each others nerves by now. But believe it or not, being on each others nerves is sort of how the two of them express their love for each other. After all; it was a punch in the face that attracted Tum tum to her in the first place, and a very hard reply back that got into Paige's heart. He's no push over, and neither is she.

"When are you gonna bring your brothers over?" She asked. Eyes closed and smile on her face, she looked as though she were ready to fall asleep which would be the wrong thing to do since she has to get to work in a half hour.

"I figure sometime during this family reunion. We'll probably need a reason to slip away, what better than showing them my apartment." He grins triumphantly. His brothers don't even have an apartment yet. How cool was that?

"Oh." Opening her eyes, she pops him one on the peck. "And its _our_ apartment, my love." Fluttering her lashes innocently, she gets up. "I'm going to work now. See you later."

"Is it my turn to microwave dinner?"

"Uh-huh. I'll take the teriyaki yakisoba." Slipping her feet into her flats, she walks out the dinner blowing him a kiss.

Another great perk about living alone is that the two of them... are alone. They've moved past their uncomfortable ways of intimacy and are now really putting their all into it. Its like being married this new life of his and he loves it. Maybe his dad wasn't too far off when he'd said they'd have grandchildren. It'd be kind of nice to be married and have kids.

...

"I love Lala-land." Says Arc climbing out of Rocky's car.

Snickering, Rocky shakes his head and asks. "Who calls it that?"

"Uncle Colt." He grins proudly. "He says its la la land because everyone who comes here lives like they're surrounded by the expression 'trala la la la'."

Rolling his eyes Rocky sighs. Leave it to Colt to fill a kids head with nonsense. Although, now he kind of wonders why people do call it "Lala-land".

He'd picked Arc up last weekend and the two of them have been sightseeing. Its weird acting like a tour-guide but not so much. They've decided to stop for donuts on their way to the beach. Colt had decided to drop the matter of meeting with Paula and has been focusing his energy elsewhere now. Who knows on what or whom, but at least he's not having nightmares anymore. The family reunion is tomorrow. Rocky isn't sure how things will go, even his father's parents are coming in- they wanna meet their greatgrandson. They'll love him; Rocky had no doubts about that. He's funny, full of life- granted he still feels people out by chewing on his shirts but again, Rocky was the same way as a child and well into his teen years- secretly of course.

"I'll have two chocolate cake, one lemon filled, one with sprinkles aaand..." He taps his finger to his chin as the woman waits for the rest. "Have you got any really chocolately ones?"

Smiling the woman asks. "More chocolately than a chocolate cake donut? I'm not sure but..." Leaning over the counter a bit, she whispers. "I can dip that one into the chocolate icing just for you." With a wink she snickers with the boy over their secret.

Rocky, who just walked up behind the boy pops him on top of his head. "I don't think so. We haven't even had lunch yet."

"I'll eat it after lunch!" He puts a hand on the spot that was lightly tapped as if offended. "Pleeeease. I'll... I'll do ten backflips in a row."

"Backflips?" Asks the woman behind the counter with curiosity while she gets their order ready.

"Its part of being a ninja, ma'am." Replies Arc with a proud grin. "I do backflips as punishment. My dad is master Splinter and I..." He paused dramatically. "a mere turtle."

Surprised the woman looks Rocky over. "He's your son? You don't look a day over my kids' age."

Smiling, Rocky thanks her for the compliment. He didn't dare speak of exactly how Arc was conceived and with whom, and let the matter lie there.

"We're having a picnic at the beach." Arc goes on saying. "This is dessert." Taking the box, he heads for the door. "Pay the woman, my good man."

"Ahaha." Taking out his wallet, Rocky hands the woman the money.

"He's something that one. My kids would never be so bold." She says in sort of awe of the child. "You should put him in acting school."

Now that made Rocky laugh. "I don't think so. This place has enough young talent running around in it. I want Mantis to stay grounded."

"Mantis?"

Rocky with a smile on his face shrugged and left. He let her believe what she'd like about the name.

"Ninja? Mantis? Kids these days."

The two get into Rocky's car and head out to the beach. Its a gorgeous day out with the sun shining high in the sky and not a cloud in sight, the warmth in the air is like a gentle kiss to your skin instead of a blaring heat wave like most days in L.A. can get. Rocky bought floatation toys earlier in the day, and pair of goggles incase he wasn't used to opening his eyes under the water yet, besides, people urinate in it so its best to wear the goggles anyway.

"What're uncle Tum tum and uncle Colt doing? I wish they could come with us." He thought outloud while snapping his seatbelt into its buckle.

"Tum is gonna be at work, and Colt... I don't know what he's doing."

Colt, at this very moment is recovering in bed, spent from this afternoons activity with a girl named Michelle. So he's decided to take Rocky's advice and for the past two weeks he's been riding it out as he thinks of what to say to his childhood friend, and ex-girlfriend that won't send them both to a battlefield. Michelle had come to one of his bands gigs. He saw her in the crowd right away because most black women don't listen to rock music. Its not saying anything that they can't or wouldn't, its just facts. She approached them and asked for an autograph as a joke, but Colt signed one anyway and slipped her his number and him hers. They spoke only as aquaintances, which is what made her the perfect candidate for a little off hand bedding. No strings attached. And yesterday with Bethany. No string attached. And Alexis, Carla, Lulu. Just about any girl who was willing for a one nightstand, he got to her. It wasn't filling the void nor was it clearing his head for what to say to Paula. Life sucks.

Reaching for his phone Colt calls the one person he's been avoiding all this time. He hasn't spoken to her since they talked at the cafe. He should really see how she's doing. "Hello, Lissa?"

"Colt? Hi. What is it?"

"I thought maybe we could hang out today... see a movie? There are no classes or anything."

"See a movie? Sure, I'll go with you." She sounds better at least. "I'll need ten minutes, though."

"That's okay. I'll take my time coming to your place."

He could tell that she smiled hearing that.

"...Hey Lissa, is your hand ok? You said you'd fix it up and... you know, I feel kind of guilty for not asking sooner."

"My hand is fine, its completely healed. I only got cut once."

"That's good."

Its quiet between them for a moment. Something about this conversation felt very... familiar. Not so much what they're saying, but the general feeling in the air.

"Is that all?" She asked after a moment.

"What? Oh, yeah. See ya in a bit."

They hung up at that. Grabbing a change of clothes he gets dressed and after shoving his feet into his sneakers, Colt leaves for Lissa's home. It isn't far from campus, the tiny apartment, he could walk there is he wanted but unfortunately this trip called for a car since the rest of the city is a little ways out. Within twenty minutes the two of them are at the theater grabbing some snacks before heading into the screening room. Colt insisted on paying for both of them, even though he was told it wasn't necessary. He wanted to make it up to her for trying to include her in a problem that is his own, so she agreed that it would be ok.

The movie turned out to be sort of on the dirty side. It was uncomfortable to no end and he thanked God when it was over. As they were walking out Lissa noticed the heat in Colt's cheek and couldn't resist jabbing him at little once they got into the car.

"Were you trying to give me a hint about something?" Her fingers brushed his lengthy hair behind his ear.

Colt had been growing it for ages and its finally past his shoulders; he's very proud of that mop he's got going- although keeping it looking good is kind of tough. But he's managed.

Laughing, Colt didn't exactly swat the tickling fingers away as he steers the car toward the park. "Listen you, its gonna take a lot more than playing in my hair, and blowing in my ear like you are to get me into bed."

"Will it?" Her brows raise to the challange- even if they're only kidding.

Neilissa could never sleep with Colt, they've been through this. He's a student and she's an instructor. It would be wrong. She had to be suspended a year from her teaching duties until the whole story that Hasmi made up was cleared up. It was a nice break though, she was able to get a lot sorted out in her own life. Unfortunately when she came back she had to hear about all the trouble that went down in Rocky's. She should have known about it, been there for him. But he says that he's getting better and he means it. Meeting Arc was a new experience though, the boy is quite the chatter box, and the spitting image of Rocky- minus the eye color. That calm blue green always stole her breath away. Kind of like how Colt's hazel always captures her attention when they talk.

Speaking of talking; the two arrive at the park leaving the car behind to take a seat on a bench. Something during the ride had distracted the male and it wasn't her teasing him. His handsome eyes downcast at his lap or looking at his outstretched legs perhaps.

Touching his shoulder, she asks. "Are you alright?"

"Hmm? Yeah... I guess."

"I guess means 'no'. So what's up?"

"Paula."

"Oh."

"I was supposed to apologize. I was supposed to be funny and great, and we'd just let our friendship rekindle from there."

"But that didn't happen?"

"No." He sighs thoughtfully. "I just wanna know that she's ok. Is that so hard for me to project?"

"Maybe." Her brown green eyes look down at her lap. "Sometimes its just a thing, you know. Like wanting so badly to become a baker-"

"A baker?" He repeats cutting through her sentence.

"yeah. But it doesn't work out because you're just not cut out for it, no matter how hard you try."

"Are you saying I'm an uncaring, insincere creep? And for me, to apologize is the hardest thing in world because I can't see myself meaning it?" He looks at her in all seriousness.

Smiling, she leans over placing her forehead to his shoulder to hide her laugh. "No. Colt, what I'm saying is that... maybe suconsciously you're avoiding what you wanna say and how you really feel because you're afraid of rejection. I can guess you've never once been turned down for anything and the thought of not having your sincerest thoughts accepted is holding you back." Straightening up she cocks her body forward to look at the downhearted male's face.

"That actually makes sense... when did you get so wise?"

"Somewhere between dinner at a friends and a stale candy bar at the theater." She smiled jokingly giving Colt a light shove. "Come on, cheer up. I'm sure you haven't done anything too bad in your apology. How far did you get?"

"I didn't. I asked her to meet me and she hung up."

"Maybe its not you. She could be the one that isn't ready." Looking at the sky, she says softly. "You two have a lot of history- and not just the bad blood that's been brewing. This girl really loved you and thought it was returned."

"It was."

"Was it?"

"Yes... at last I thought so. Whenever we were apart, I would think about her. Whenever we were together... I was in awe of her. Maybe that's it. Maybe I admired her too much. She was completely not my type. Smart beyond all reason, kind- and me, I'm..."

"You don't think that you're kind?"

"I can cruel. I'm a trickster; I like pulling pranks and sort of laugh in other peoples expense sometimes... I guess I can come off as uncaring."

Her smile faded for a moment, then she shook her head. "You're wrong about that. You are kind; you've just got a thicker layer of skin when it comes to who you want it shown to. There's nothing wrong with that- well, almost nothing. People will view that as being unkind, but they have yet to get to know you."

That got him to look at her; and that same calm feeling he remembers washed over him. The wave rocked him forward to her, and with parted lips... he kissed her gently. When the kiss was received and returned it urged him on to tilt his head and further part her mouth with the slightest brush of his tongue. Its wrong to kiss her; he knows that. She'd almost lost her job over this very thing but dammit, he can't help himself at the moment. And by not pushing him away, she isn't helping it. But when he leaned a little closer and her hand came up, he knew to stop.

"I'm sorry." He apologized quickly; believing that he had done something offensive and wrong.

Lissa shook her head. "Its alright. I kissed you back, so... I should apologize too." Touching his shoulder, she says. "Sorry."

"Rocky was right. I'm too damned impulsive." Expelling a sigh, he then looks up at the sky then back to his friend. "I've been trying to distract myself these past two weeks and its not working. Once my distraction is done with I'm right back to the problem and right back to a stream of unthought out, impuslive nonsense."

"Its not a bad thing."

"It is when you've got a mean streak with that impulse..."

Her head shook once. "Its not about the things you say sometimes... that you're able to actually care, and recognize that you can be brash when you really feel something... Colt. You're a good person. Trust that you can control those wild urges to lash out when you've found yourself on the spot; and also trust that the people you're with know you well enough to know how you are. Raw hurts... but it also heals because it gets it out there- even if its done in the wrong way. They've got something to think about... let them... Don't be mad from lack of response right away. Give them time, and give yourself time."

Colt is quiet for a long moment. Her words weaving in and out of his thoughts. "Thank you for that." He stands. "I'll remember it when I call her again..." Holding out his hand to help her stand, he pulls her close to him wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Colt," She started to say cut off by another long kiss from him.

How does he do it? How does he come off as so tough and cool in earnest; when inside he's hiding this soft, confused person who's just looking to be liked? Lissa was sure that if the world saw this person all the time they wouldn't recognize Colt, and he may end up in the Q.

After dropping Lissa off at her apartment, Colt headed for home rather than his temporary home in the dorm at college. He isn't surprised when he spots Rocky's car in the driveway; he must be dropping off Arc and possibly staying the night himself. Their grandfather's old brown convertable is parked on the side in the street since he's staying over as well. His family- his other family, the McRae's will be staying at a hotel. He wondered if they'd want him to show them around the area? Tomorrow is going to be hectic with all their relatives here. He wondered if Aunt Sabrina... his mother, would show up? She'd gotten an invite; she's no longer in prison. She should come. But even as he thought it while opening the front door, Colt knew that it was impossible. Aunt Sabrina is just too far gone to come back for something as normal as a family reunion- no matter how strange the family may now be.

"Hey uncle Colt!" Arc greeted when spotting him at the front door. He's on the couch watching cartoons.

"Hey kid."

"Wanna watch cartoons with me?"

"Sure. Let me just see your father for a minute."

"Okay."

The boy is like an innocent version of Rocky. Untainted by the world as he has come to be. Colt found himself hoping that Arc could remain that way- at least for as long as he can. Rocky was in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of apple cranberry juice, he smiled around his glass to greet him.

"I just had an eye opening experience with Lissa just now."

Rocky seemed momentarily paralyzed by that statement, which Colt found weird but he doesn't question it. Rocky probably thinks they slept together or something; its not like the thought hasn't crossed the wild horse's mind and lower region on more than one occassion but he can't do it. Only on the technicality that she'd be fired if anyone found out and he doesn't want that.

"She told me that I'm impulsive and should pace myself waiting for replies."

Arching a brow Rocky smiled. "Sounds like she really knows you well."

"Yup. She may be the only chick in the world he really does. Hn. Maybe I should just drop out of school and date her... although, sneaking around behind the schools back is kind of exciting." He turns away to go into the living room to watch television with his nephew. "I'm gonna call Paula again, and this time things will turn out better."

With a reluctant sigh, Rocky mumbled. "...I wouldn't get my hopes up." Leaning on the counter, he takes out his vibrating phone. He has a message. From Paula.


	4. Slapped in the Face

A.N.: Thank you for the review 3ninjasfan and I know what you mean, life is busy and its annoying because I wanna read! hahaha. I wanna put some ninja into it, so I'll have to think about a fight scene, but this is the second to last tie in story. The last one, who knows when that will be but this one isn't going to be very long, maybe ten chapters. This is like Child of Darkness and Light for the Colt saga. Its a wonder and a wrap up to the bigger picture of the end of the stories. I've still got some thinking to do about Tum Tum's remaining two stories. After those, I'll be stumped for 3 ninjas and might just do some one shot scenes branched from the others.

I hope and everyone else reading continue to read, and I hope I don't upset anyone hahaha, you never know. Enjoy the chapter and thanking you for reading.

...

Paula's message was short and and simple: Keep Colt away from me.

This is one of the things that Rocky had taken into consideration before having the two of them so much as speak. The heat in their blood would either boil for anger or worse... romantic feeling. He wasn't sure who would give in first, Paula or Colt. Her heart has been destroyed; the word 'hurt' just could not cover the pain she's endured over the years because of Colt's immaturity. Its not likely that she'll be the one falling in love with Colt again, especially when his brother is already, so very much, still in love with her. If there is such a thing as 'toxic love' she and Colt, for sure, possess it. Flipping his phone closed, he pushed away from the counter and walked into the living room. A smile appeared seeing his son and brother seated at the piano; Colt teaching the boy the keys and playing for him a easy tune. Watching this picture, Rocky had to reconsider the things he let run around in his head about Colt. He loves his brother, no matter how wrong and damning he can behave some of the time. Their bond has changed in the past two years, but his love remains there; unyielding toward any issue or conflict that may come between them.

"Hey Dad, come listen to this." Arc called over when seeing him watching from across the room.

A single nod to the request and he walked over. Maybe he's purposefully overthinking of the wrong outcome, maybe he can see this situation in a new light. From now on he'll let the two of them lead their own lives, and make those mistakes that he knows they're bound to make. As much as he is Paula's sworn protecter, he can't deny that he hurt her by doing so.

The next day was filled with greetings and introductions between the Douglas family and the McRae's. Paige said she could not miss out on it and stood by in the background, seated on the couch, watching as the distant family entered the home.

"I'm Jon. Nice to meet you." He shakes Tum Tum's hand firmly.

"Hey, I'm Tum." He grins kindly.

This guy was definitely a, Rocky. Tum Tum wondered, for a second, how the two got along. Rocky had met him a few years back when he'd been investigating the situation of Colt being related to the McRae family. Rocky came home victorious, of course, having proved that Colt is infact related to them on Sabrina's side, but that his true father was Ben McRae. A man who'd cheated on his wife and got his mistress pregnant at the same time he'd gotten his wife pregnant. He went no further than that, though, saying the rest was really terrible and none of anyone elses business. Tum understood, and honestly, he didn't really care about the sordid secrets of another family. Just as he would hope that no one spoke of his own families dirty laundry.

The last person he shook hands with was Jeremy McRae. The two boys seemed to be sizing each other up with little reason as to why. Then came the stream of questions.

"What game?" Asked Jeremy.

"Devil May Cry. You?"

"Call of Duty."

The two nod appovals of their given choice.

"Food?" Tum asked.

"Always." Jeremy replied.

Again they nod.

"Hobbies?"

Tum Tum eyed the boy then answered. "Cooking, skating, basket ball, but I _love_ baseball."

"You can cook?" The teen seemed in awe of that, rather than backed off.

"Yeah, I'm taking classes."

With a huff of amazement, the boy shakes his head. "Cool. Maybe you can show me how to make something that would impress my girlfriend back home."

"Sure. Are you comfortable with fire, because I make a really good lemon crepe."

"Yeah." He nods.

Colt smiled watching the two bonding. Annalisse still seemed taken with Rocky, following him about the room as he pointed out bathrooms to people, or offered the snacks prepared by their mother. Ben and Jamie McRae admired the little statuettes and the placement of the things in the home. You'd swear Jessica were trying to sell the home to them, her state of mind switching to profressional contracter as she talked about their home. Mori spoke with Jon when Rocky was done showing the male around, he seemed to be talking about Japan with him. Arc serveyed the room with a wondering eye; his shirt collar between his teeth as he watches all the strangers talk and move about the house.

He started across the room toward the boy but stopped when Annalisse stepped infront of his path. "Hey." He greeted her with a warm smile.

Which earned him a cocked brow and a smug smirk. "You're feeling pretty good about all this aren't you, Jeffrey?"

"Actually, yeah." He looks over her shoulder to the child who joined Paige on the couch, while she speaks with Tum Tum and Jeremy. At least he's feeling less intimidated.

"Who's the kid?" She asked when following his gaze.

"Rocky's son, Arc."

Eyes wide; she looked like a model for a fish scuplture. "Ro- Rocky has-a, has a son?" She paled. "With who?"

Colt smiled. "Trust me, its better not to know. He doesn't like to talk about it anyway, so you've still got a chance- babysister." He added with a teasing grin.

That seemed to snap her out of her panic. "I'm older than you moron, by a whole ten minutes." She smiled.

It amazed her how close she feels to Jeffrey; even though they aren't really twins, they were born around the same time and look nearly identical because of their father. So to her, and she supposed to him, they really are each others evil twin. She being the good one, of course.

"You want something to eat before we barbecue? Mom put out a lot of junk." He asked her while heading to the kitchen.

"Sure. As long as none of it is fish. I'm off fish now."

"Euw. Why?"

She shrugged. "Doesn't do it for me anymore."

"Tch. Weirdo. You know, its hard to believe we're related."

"I couldn't agree more." She followed him.

Over by the couch, Paige is swelling with glee over the compliments she's receiving from Jeremy. Her sharp teeth and hard smile making her look more like a rat than Tum tum could recall in his days of dating her. He's always said that if his girlfriend had an animal spirit its a rat for sure. Paige doesn't care, because she told him he's not that far off from looking like a beaver. And their romance ensues.

"Now is anyone alergic to anything? I wanna be sure that everyone can eat the food." Jessica says when ushering them from the house to the large backyard.

The day would be filled with chatter, games, music and dancing, eating. Just like a real family reunion; watching them, you'd believe that they all knew each other ages ago, but their face to face has been a while. All bad blood with them washed under the bridge. Even Jamie was having a good time, tapping her foot and snapping her fingers to the music playing. Colt chose rock. Rocky chose classical but lively pieces, Tum Tum argued playing rap and they listened to three or four songs. Grandpa liked the idea of playing some enka songs, which he didn't mind translating the words for anyone who asked. The food was delicious and they took breaks between eating by playing a scavanger hunt around the area with disposable cameras. Jon and Colt were on a team, Tum Tum and Jeremy with Paige, Annalisse and Rocky with Arc made up the third team, and Jessica went with Jamie, and Sam with Ben and Mori.

Rocky was sure that his team would take the victory; they've already found half of their list. "What's next?" He asked, stopping beside a large tree.

"Umm..." Looking over the list Anna skims for the easier puzzles to solve. "I make many of the same decisions every day, the same three over and over. Every one obeys."

"What could that be?" Arc looks at the paper as if to try to understand it by reading over it himself. "Every one obeys... Hmmm?" His skinny fingers tap against the camera in his hands. "I think I know! Come on." He dashes away.

Chuckling at the boys enthusiasm, Rocky takes a step in the direction the child had gone.

"Rocky," Anna says in a low voice.

It had such a hard trail, Rocky knew the girl had something to say and he was sure that he knew what that something would be about.

"I know you don't owe me anything; you barely even know me," She couldn't bring herself to look at him directly and lowered her eyes to the ground. "but is Arc really your son? Did you adopt him?" Without even getting an answer the girl went on. "I'm not judging, I actually think that's its very noble; men don't normally adopt children- unless they're weidos" Hearing what she'd said, she panicked and back pedaled. "Not that I think you're a weido, no, you're wonderful and..." Her words cut off. "How long are you gonna let me make a fool of myself?"

Blinking, Rocky smiled. "For a while." He laughed in good humor. "I didn't adopt Arc, he really is my son. I had him under... unique circumstances, so I don't like to talk about it. But, I don't love him any less because of that."

That seemed to ease her questions, while raising so many more. She had to wonder what these 'unique circumstances' were. She couldn't ask though, as she herself had explained Rocky owes her nothing. So any explanation given she would just have to accept. Following after the male, she can hear the boy shouting for his father and her.

"Did you find it?" Rocky called to Arc.

"Yeah, I think!" The boy called back.

"Does he do ninja as well?" She decided to brush the flecks of uncomfortable from the subject.

Nodding, Rocky replied. "Yeah. He's a natural. His ninja name is Mantis."

"Mantis. That's cool."

"I named him that because he looks like a praying mantis whenever he's analyzing someone or something, like how I used to, he chews on the collar of his shirt."

Smiling, she comments politely. "He also looks a lot like you."

"Yeah, but he has his mothers eyes."

"They're very bright blue, I noticed that." She nodded.

The two reached the boy; thankfully on Annalisse's end; she couldn't believe how uncomfortable it had gotten. This Rocky isn't like the Rocky she'd met in Arizona. He had an air of mystery about him, but it wasn't like this. He seemed to be holding back then, keeping it to himself. Annalisse had to wonder what had changed from then to now. 4 years is a long time, but whatever it was must have hurt Rocky deeply for this to be his now.

In the end it was Sam, Ben and Mori who'd won the scavanger hunt. Tum Tum said his team got lost on the very question that Arc figured out. The 'traffic light' was the answer to the thing that must be obeyed, and for the life of them the three could not figure that out. It was later in the day, dinner was being prepared and while the stove tops simmered and boiled the meal, the two families and visiting friend sat around talking about each other- mostly the parents told embarrassing stories about their children. Jamie was the worst one of all. She'd talked about how when Jon had started potty training he'd wanted everyone to know when he was going, so he'd sit on the pot and kick his feet backwards so that it moved down the hall while he was using it. Colt was so glad that he didn't grow up in that house. Jamie remembered all it seemed. Jessica recalled a time when Colt entered his girl phase and she'd caught him practicing on a poster beside his bed. Colt did not remember this humiliating accusation, yet the blush on his face could be seen clear across the street.

Mori decided that the poor kids had enough jabs taken out on them and so he shared a few stories of his own about Jessica. It would seem that their mother was a bit of a brat when she was younger, and when he had fallen asleep one afternoon, Jessica took it upon herself to cut up anything in the house that wasn't nailed down: the curtains in the living room, the tablecloth, the blanket on her bed, and let's not forget Mori's hair.

"It never did grow back in quite right."

The other laughed when the man tipped his balding head forward to show them the evidence of his misbehaved child. The kids were glad when the adults began to point out their own youthful follies. Sam Douglas ate two live frogs on a dare because he wanted to fit in with the cooler kids. Ben picked a fight with his friends everyday just to impress a girl who liked bad boys, in the end she took pity on the two guys and wound up dating and later marrying one of his best friends. Jamie said she used to pretend she was an artist, as a teenager, and so any blank space in life was a canvas to her. Only she couldn't draw, and she spent 3 hours in holding for defacing public property. She'd told them that if it were for the public she was drawing on her share.

Dinner was baked fish with lemon dressing, a small salad with mini orange pieces, and beets. For Dessert, a slice of chocolate cake baked by Tum Tum earlier that day before the others had arrived. The rooms, living room and kitchen, were filled with light conversation, and friendly manner. It again seemed as though they were all old friends that have gotten back together to spend a weekend. Honestly, it was hard to tell the young from the old as the discussions were well balanced for both generations. When the McRae's left, and Mori had gone off to bed, followed by Arc who just had to have a story told to him by his dad, and the remaining guest cleaned up a bit before spreading out about the home.

Colt had taken out his phone, when the cleaning was finished, and walking outside he took a seat on the bench swing they bought when he was about ten years old. Later in his life he'd done a lot of making-out with girls on this seat, or break their heart. But he couldn't let himself think about that last part, not when he's about to call a girl which he'd done just that to. Rocky didn't give him the number, but he looked it up on his phone when his brother had gone to the bathroom. Waiting out the rings, he looks up at the night sky and let the calm serene wash over him. He can do this. It shouldn't be hard. And yet everytime he'd spoken with the girl, even before the problems between them, he'd always felt like a stranger to her. As if he'd never fully be close to her, and she'd preferred it that way. Colt wondered if Rocky ever felt that with Paula? Definitely not. His brain reminded him that those two had an understanding that was absolute. No one and nothing could touch it. And yet he'd tried. He'd wanted so badly to be a part of that calming girl. But look how it had turned out.

"Hello?" She answered with a voice of confusion. Probably due to not being able to recognize the number.

"Its me, Colt."

"Hi." She answered to that.

Chuckling, Colt replied "Hi." back.

"This again?" She laughed.

It was so nice to hear her laugh comfortably. "Yeah. I can never figure out what to say to you." He shrugged. Colt put it in his mind that if he's going to be uncomfortable he may as well just go with it.

"That's okay. I don't know what to say either." She's quiet a moment, then says. "I went to the library the other day."

"Yeah? Anything good."

"No." She laughed again.

"I don't see how people can sit still long enough to read anyway."

"Mm mm, Colt," His name came from her mouth so easily. "be still, and you shall find peace."

"I think I'll find an activity." He chuckled and she laughed with him.

Silence lay between them a moment then Colt spoke again.

"We had the big reunion today. It went well."

"That's good."

"I'm not sure if you know, or if Rocky told you or anything but... I'm sort of Sabrina's- my aunt- I'm her son."

Paula was heavily silent. She must be shocked. "I can't believe it. When did you find out?"

"A while back, a few years I think."

"How's your family? Are they alright?"

"Yeah, I mean at first it was horrible. I mean, I felt betrayed and angry... and the McRae's wanted me to live with them."

Confused she asked. "Who are the McRae's?"

"My- or at the time, I'd thought, that they were my real family. But I'm only half involved with them."

"You lost me," She says. "you said that your mother is actually Sabrina Shintaro?" She's familiar with the Douglas family having practically been raised by them in her youth due to her mother being at work all the time. "So what does this other family have to do with it? Didn't Mr. Douglas-..."

"No!" He cut her off. "Ha, my dad? Puleeze, he's as square as they come. He'd never cheat on my mom, especially not with his sister-in-law." He runs his hand through his hair. "Um, my aunt had an affair with another man, Ben McRae and there's a whole mess involved there with his stealing me to give to his wife who'd just lost her real son from the twins that she was having on the same day that Sabrina was giving birth."

"Wow... that's incredible. But everything is alright now?"

"Yeah. Everything is good, and the bad blood between families seems like its come to an end." He had a lightness in his tone. "We all just got done spending the day together, and no fights have broken out, no names were called. It was a good day."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Paula," He hadn't meant to go serious with the conversation, but in light of how well the day went for them all, he had to bite the bullet. "what went on today. I want that with us. I wanna pick things up and act as though the ad never happened." He sighed. "I can't put it any simpler than I want you back with us. I want you around, I wanna laugh with you, and share things. Like before..."

"Do you wanna know what I want?"

"Please tell me."

"I want to be able to see people from the past and know that I'm not being judged. I want to hold my head up with every reason I have now to do so, and know that it won't be mocked like I'm putting up a front. I want to live my life as I was, not as who I've become. People say that no one can make you anything, but they're wrong. I've given the people around me all the power and I feel as if I still do so today. I've got a good life but... when I want things and people from my old life I feel broken inside and it angers me."

Colt felt a sickness bubbling inside of him.

"I want you back too, but I can't have you. I'll hurt any progress you've made without me because I'll burder you with my state of being, and you will do the same to me. I don't doubt that for a second."

"Paula... aren't you even willing to take the chance?" He could feel a sterness growning in his voice that he did not want there. But he can't help it. "I'm not that person anymore."

"And have you asked yourself why that is?"

That stopped his words.

"If I come back... if I show you who I am... what will remain? Will you still be this man whose learned? Or will you go back to the one that prefers things his way, and cast aside anything that doesn't fit right?"

"I won't."

"You don't know that."

"But I'm willing to try. We're stronger Paula... you and me... we should let ourselves meet as we are now. I won't burden you, or change you- or myself." His tone lowered, he whispered almost. "I promise."

"Colt you're asking too much of me." Her voice sounded beaten and tired as if they'd been on the phone for hours rather than minutes. "I... I'm stronger, but my strength can be broken- too easily. I don't know which direction it will go either; will I be angry or cry? Will I hit you or turn away?"

"I'll let you." He replied. "You can do anything you want. You've earned it, and I owe you that much power." He nods slowly. "Look at all I've done to your life. You were gonna be so important somewhere and I ruined it."

She quieted. He was sure she'd hang up again. "I don't wanna meet. I'm not ready. If you've changed..." She sounds almost mechanical. "then accept that. For now, please... hold off."

He's quiet. Very quiet, then sadly he says. "Okay."

And the conversation ended there.

Taking a deep breath, Colt was finally able to stand up and head back inside.

"Hey Colt, there you are," Tum said when seeing his brother walk in through the back door. "Come on, we're going for a walk."

"A walk? Now?"

"What did we just meet?" Tum shrugged. "Its been put off long enough, we need some us time."

Colt smiled. Tum Tum is growing into a really great person. He was always somewhat of a little follower in the past. He would either cling to whatever decision mom or dad made, then it became Grandpa, then Rocky. He didn't think Tum Tum ever wanted anything to with his choices in life, having never once seen the boy follow in any of his examples. But now, Tum Tum is a leader and honestly, he'd gladly follow the happy-go-lucky kid around. With the tension in the air on some days, he'd hope that his brother would come along and clear the air of it. Keep their heads clear... like Rocky used to. Like with Paula, Colt honestly feared the day when his older brother would turn away from him and not look back. Watching Rocky's back now the male seemed rigid, almost unknowingly tense. Had he caused that? Maybe everyone was right about him. He's a darkness, an ick. Paula is right in not wanting to see him, he would only hurt any healing she's embedded, any joy she's found without him. And it hurts him deeply that its his own fault.

...

The walk was a pleasent one. The air is warm and the sky... well, once you hit the city the sky is nothing but a big void of black and the once well seen stars are now invisible to the naked eye. But still...

"So how's living with Paige going? Are you two driving each other nuts, or close to wedded bliss?" Rocky asked with no intention, or hidden mock in his voice. He honestly wanted to know. He likes the two together and as odd and portuguese-ghetto as the girl is, he adores her to the very last foul word.

Funny thing about Paige is that she isn't from any hard times or a low life. She's just a typical girl, but in her mind she's been there and done that and is a full fledged gangsta.

"Wedded bliss." Tum replied with a knowing smile. "I really think she's the one."

"Oooh 'the one' our little brother is finally," His voice drops to show off Tum Tum's prowess. "a man."

The three laugh.

"Yeah I am, and this _maaan_ wants to let his brothers in on a little in-your-face celebratory espresso."

Which is the only cafine drink the boy will take that isn't soda.

"I've got a perminent place to live away from home before either of you." He practically dripped 'nyah-nyah' between his every word.

Rocky and Colt gave each other a knowing look and hoisted the boy up under his arms, which was not an easy feet considering that Tum Tum had gotten a little taller than Rocky and is catching up to Colt- but not yet. The two dragged the boy off to where a trash bin waited like a mugger by a tree and they threatened to dump the boy over into it.

"No!" He chuckled and flailed to get free. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Satisfied with the pleads, the two straightened the male upright.

"Bastards." Tum Tum said in mock anger. "I can't help it if I've got a brighter head on my shoulders than the two of you." He continued his boast of accomplishment, still teasing his way through it. "Yup, you'll be begging to live with me when you're out of school. And I'll say: "Well, we'll see what income you have, I don't want any freeloaders" at which point-... hey wait up!" He chased after the two who were half way up the street by the time he'd noticed they'd moved.

Tum informed them that if he had to eat microwaved food one more time he was going to scream. He and Paige made enough to pay the rent and whatever was left still didn't amount to a buffet of items to eat. He had dreams of making a grand spread before his girlfriend, she would swoon, and they would eat every bite claiming that something so good should not have to be reduced to leftovers.

"How are things going with you guys? I can't wait to see you on campus."

"Its going good." Colt answered semi-honestly. Because in truth, things were good, but personally... personally needed some work done. "I'm single and bored because of it... on a lighter note, I have heavy pockets due to lack of dates."

"Always a plus." Said Rocky. He sounded lost in thought, though his gaze lay tentively on his brothers. "I'm doing alright; thinking about taking a trip to Connecticut for a while to be with Arc. He can't be comfortable all the time around here."

"He seems comfortable to me." Colt commented. "But I know what you mean."

"You do?" Rocky wondered that.

"Sure. A guy can't fully relax around strangers... he's gotta have more than a few people, and things, to be himself. He probably misses his own bed."

"Mmm." Was all Rocky could say.

They turn a corner to where a little cafe that's open late sits. Tum Tum should have suggested food. He can already feel dinner leaving his stomach. Maybe they'll have something to swallow inside the cafe.

"I'm gonna visit Robbie tomorrow, tell him how the reunion went."

"Tell him, 'hey' for me." Tum Tum says out of respects. He really did like Robbie. But he didn't like the lasting effect his absence left on Rocky. He can't even bring himself to admit that he's gone sometimes. Its a very sad thing.

"I will."

Taking the conversation in a different direction, Colt says. "What about dad saying that he used to pretend to drop things under the table in the school cafeteria?"

Laughing Rocky shakes his head. "I'll have nightmares, I swear. Last thing I want to hear about is my father peeking for panties."

"Oh God, Rocky, don't say it!" Tum Tum covered his ears. "I'm just glad my girlfriend wears female boxers; last thing I'd wanna do is have those words ringing in my ears when we go to undress."

Colt looked as though he were going to vomit right there. "And now I've got another reason to stay single longer."

Rocky chuckled quietly. This feels nice. To be able to laugh with them. As strongly as his feelings are about being upset, or mourning too long, it always comes over him and he finds himself right back where he had been trying to leave from. But here, right now, listening and talking... it brings him forward those lost steps. Only problem with feeling good, is that it makes you want to apologize for anything bad or wrong that's gone on between you and because of that, because of that sometimes you end up arguing all over again. If only because you either hear "no, forget it" or "why do you have to bring it up?" No one ever understands that when you're feeling good, its better to bring it up. Mutual honesty, breeds honest forgiveness. Apologies in heat are nothing but an emotional settlement of silence of the subject. A way of saying, "we'll be fine as long as you never bring up the fact that you've wronged me again".

Rocky hates dishonest feelings above all else. No matter how cruel they may be, or wrong. Its better than having people boiling underneath, creating unforgiveable explosions when they can't take the lie any longer. Better to be rude and better to be raw, then hide it; look at what he'd gone through back then, keeping his feelings to himself about his happiness, about how he felt about Robbie, and Arc, his past... all of that was covered up but it leaked through cracks until the dam broke. And it broke hard. He never wants to be in a place where he doesn't look back.

So, biting the bullet, Rocky says quietly. "Colt," When his smiling brother turned to look at him he said a little louder. "I'm sorry."

Colt seemed confused a moment, but smiled with a nod. "Thanks. I'm sorry too."

Watching, Tum Tum nodded his approval. "This is magic guys... now let's get a donut or something." He placed a hand on both their shoulders.

"Always happier with food." Colt says. "How do you please a Tum Tum? Just add snacks." He poked his brother in the gut. "Oooh, abs." Grabbing the boys shirt he lifts it. "Oh my God; Rocky look..."

Cocking his head to the side, his drops his mouth in exagerated impressed. "Tum's lost his root beer barrel gut."

"Ha ha!" Tugging his shirt down, he glares. "You creeps, I was gonna pay for your snack but you can do it on your own." Sticking his tongue out, he heads across the street.

"Darn." Rocky teases following him.

Feeling his phone vibrate, Colt pulls it from his pocket. "Paula?" He says quietly. "Guys, go ahead, I'll catch up."

Rocky waved a hand to him, showing that he got the message.

Flipping his phone open, Colt says in a hurried tone. "Hello?" Maybe she'd changed her mind about meeting? He had to know, and he had to allow himself to be desparate because he was.

"I've been thinking, and... I'm sorry that I blew you off so quickly." She says in a lowered tone. "I... I wasn't very clear about it, I might have come off as a jerk. Colt, it isn't your fault that you and I can't see each other. Its mine."

Colt wasn't sure how to take that. His gaze across the street into the tiny shop.

"We had no fall out... no, harsh words to separate us further than what happened at school and... I feel so full."

He could understand that. He hurt her and then she went away. There really wasn't an honest fall out, just fall away. They'd lost themselves. Colt threw her away and she'd taken it, not accepted. So she alone struggled with that; anger building, words growing, it all caved in on her. She must have years of accumulated anger boiling inside, and no matter how well she feels about being around it, the dam will burst eventually. It always does with emotions that have gone unused. People say that being happy is easy, they're wrong. Being sad is easy, you don't have to work at that. You're hurt and you stay there. But when it comes to being happy, fighting and making up... you're stuck wondering about the after. Once all the apologies are said and done where you'll be. Will it stick? Will it not? Will it be honest for just you or both of you? Too many questions and doubts lead to a distant relationship, and you eventually fall apart. Distance will save you, is the natural response to uncertainty. But this isn't true either. You've got nothing but a wonder of how long, and in that inbetween you'll only continue to believe in the easiness of being sad.

"Paula... I owe you a lot. You've been the push behind all my changes- the good ones... I deserve whatever necessary anger you've got to throw my way. I need to be hurt, I need to take it and let it go. And you need to release it. I... really just want you back. Tonight, me and Rocky and Tum Tum are having a walk, and we're talking and it feels so good. It would feel really great if you could be with us one time."

The silence between them allowed Colt to hear the background noise to where the girl is at. Oddly enough, he heard his brother. Tum Tum said something about having a croissant with honey butter. Looking across the street back into the shop, he scans the tables each one with this pair or that single person. Then he saw her, or at least the side of her. A girl with a ponytail, in a stripped tank top; her profile shown to him; phone up and covering the most of her face. But even at that distance he could tell that its her.

"Where are you right now?" Colt asked.

"Having coffee. I've got work to do, so I need a pick me up. Where are you?"

It was like two different people. One minute her voice was heavy with memories, sweet or bitter, and other times you'd think that she'd never left them.

"I'm umm, just taking a walk."

"Right, you mentioned that." She chuckled.

"Yeah."

"I should go." Colt says quickly, when he noticed that his brothers spotted the girl. "Bye."

"Bye? Umm, okay. Bye."

He hangs up. Attention full, he stared at the scene playing out.

Rocky and Tum Tum walked over to Paula like it was an everyday occurance, hugging her and chatting quickly due to their animated movements. It seemed that she just asked them to join her, but Rocky shook his head and pointed to the door. She turned her head as if to see the reason why they couldn't stay, and Colt's heart stopped. There's just no way... it couldn't be true... Paula... She's older, her face has changed so much while not at all. Her posture doesn't come off as timid, but confident and sure. Her face though... She looks exactly like...

"Lissa." He heard his voice saying.


	5. Changes

All night Colt struggled to sleep. His nerves were raw, his emotions were on nothing but anger mixed with confusion. Maybe because a part of him didn't want to believe what he saw, maybe because he didn't want to think that all these years of knowing Lissa she'd been deceiving him. He can't allow himself to think about someone that he's secretly and yet quite openly showed interest in being his former lover. A lover he's hurt. A lover he's thrown away. A lover he's been trying to make amends with and was getting nowhere. Maybe that's why Paula had been so apprehensive with him, she doesn't want him finding out her secret- if its her secret. Damn it, he's too confused!

The next day during class he could only stare at the woman as she taught them the finer arts of theater and acting. Who better than someone posing as someone else. But it seemed impossible to believe even when it, the truth, was so very clear to him last night. Paula hated large groups second to being alone, and there was no way in this world that she could be able to teach an entire group of people about acting. But then again, Rocky said that she had changed and if he'd seen her again he wouldn't recognize her. His brother spoke the truth about that. He's been looking at her every day since she'd replaced the old teacher of this class and he didn't recognize her at all. He'd always felt this strange familiar comfort around her but he never connected the two- felt there was no reason to have- but now... now...

He balled his fist, teeth clenching in the returning of his anger. How could she! He just had to ask her- has to know! Would she really lie to him? After all they've been through, could she really just throw it all in his face? Mock him with how easily tripped up he is about her by pretending to be someone else and still having him fall for her? The thought was sickening and weird. Paula would never hurt him like that. She would never tease him in such a cruel way. And yet, here he is having all these thoughts and questioning just that about her. It was sneaky, his plan, but during his angered tumbling he thought up the perfect way to catch Paula in her long running lie. Chocolate. She's terribly alergic to the stuff and all his young life he's been careful to avoid having it around anything she's eating so that there would be no accidents. And because of that he planned to take Lissa out for a bit and give her something chocolately, she'll decline, and have to explain why she can't have any and if the reason is anything less than "I'm your former girlfriend" he'll bust her.

When class was dismissed Colt stood up and headed to the front of the room. The instructor looked his way and smiled. It can't be Paula. Lissa's smile is so open and honest, always a hair away from a cheerful grin. Paula never smiled, not really. She ghosted a smile on her face; you'd think that she felt she weren't allowed to smile or be happy. That's the kind of thing he was used to seeing. If Lissa is Paula, her smile alone would explain why he could not recognize her.

"I heard good things about the reunion. I'm happy for you all."

"Thanks." His voice came out drier than intended. Clearing his throat he speaks again. "Lissa, would you like to have lunch with me- just a burger and shake." He shrugged in a friendly manner.

"Sure." Standing, she looks through her desk for something. "Is it walking distance or would you like me to drive?"

Colt's body was on fire. Between wanting to call her out on her possible lie to kiss her, he wans't sure which was the strongest right now. Dispite being lied to, he truly does care for Lissa and some part of him, maybe bigger than he gives it credit, is still very much in love with Paula. Finding his voice, Colt says. "Walking distance."

Nodding, she stepped from behind the desk and followed him out the door. On the way there she walked with friendly, comfortable silence completely missing his tense muted state, and the fact that he's walking a few paces behind her though he's the one who invited her out and knows the way to the cafe.

"Are the McRae's staying over for a while or will they be heading back today?" She asked slowing down a bit to allow him to catch up.

"I think they're staying for the week. I'm going jogging with Anna after classes. She wanted to look around L.A. and figured we could get some exercise in as well."

Lissa laughed to herself. "Sounds like she's implying something there."

Colt's cheeks heated at the thought of any one thinking that he could lose some pounds. If anything he's underweight and has been all his life.

"Ahaha, relax. I only meant that she might be feeling a little insecure because L.A. girls are invisible, no matter how long she's staying for a girl always wants to look the best."

"Hn. I never got that about girls."

"Oh what? Men don't go through it?"

"No." He smiles easily, placing his arms behind his head. "Men walk around like they're the shit and assume that every other man, woman, or child knows this."

Scoffing in disbelief Lissa shakes her head. "Men are scary and amazing. If a woman can just learn to have that confidence... but they're ruled by emotions and allowing themselves to feel them."

"And men aren't?"

"Not the heavy ones. Why else can they walk around assuming everyone wants them without being a little insecure that maybe everyone does not."

Peeked, Colt dropped his arms and cocks his head to look at her face as she speaks. "Do you really believe that? Do you think that I have no feelings?" He asked. "Because I'm one of those men who walks around thinking that everybody is hot for him."

Thinking about it Lissa nodded. "Yes." She answered outright. "From the moment I met you, you've come on to me, made bold declarations of feelings for me... never once did you stop to think that maybe I'm married or seeing someone. So, yes." Smiling she adds. "Its not a bad thing, though. A lot of women can live this way but it hurts other women when they behave like men and then go after someone who's taken. Same thing with a man. They don't care who you're with, if they find you pretty they're going to advance."

Colt knwe that to be true. Hell, he's done it himself a few times. He did always wonder what had happened with Olivia, the girl he'd dumped assuming that college life would be one big party and sex-filled good times. They were a good couple and he really shouldn't have broken it off with her. And Maggie, look at what he'd done with her. Maggie really cared about him, and tried to get him to calm his wild ways and it all blew up in his face because of Ro-... no. It was because of himself and he can no longer make excuses for that.

"Cheer up. We're only talking nonsense. Its nothing to get serious about." She reached out a rubbed his shoulder in a friendly manner.

"Yeah." He smiled but his tone of voice said otherwise.

Colt pointed out the place he'd wanted to eat and they entered, taking a table in the back of the room at his insistance. She ordered a bacon cheese burger, and a salad, with an iced tea. Colt ordered a double bacon cheese and fries, and a thick chocolate milkshake. He was sure to make a grand show of how delicious the shake was and Lissa laughed to herself at his extravagance.

"It feels as though you're baiting me, so fine, I'll bite." She says after setting down her burger. "Give me a sip."

Colt froze mid-drink swallowing hard when he'd found his movement. "Huh?"

"I don't have germs or anything, give me a sip."

Colt was floored. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. She was supposed to... "Uh, no its not that, I just thought that you wouldn't want any."

"I wouldn't want any?" She teased. "You're having sex with a milkshake and you think I don't want any?" Reaching for the drink, she tilts the straw to her mouth taking a nice sip. "Mmm. That is good, I'm a little jealous now. I could never compete with something like that." She hands the drink back.

Colt felt light headed. She drank his shake. She drank a good gulp at that. She isn't Paula. The sensation of relief flooded him so quickly that he actually began laughing.

Lissa's face molded to that of blatant confusion, but she let his odd behavior go. Men may not be ruled by emotions, but they sure act strangely because of the lack of it.

_Look at how desperate I've become._ Colt beat on himself inside while outside he remained smiling and eating. _I'm so paranoid over reasons why Paula doesn't wanna see me that I'm turning her into everyone I see. This is ridiculous._ He takes a sip of his shake.

Lissa continued watching the male incase he did anything else strange. He could be sick. That's a possibilty. She once had a high fever that caused her to see black dots spinning around her bedroom when she was younger. That thought compelled her to lean forward and, with the back of her hand, touch Colt's forehead.

"What?" He asked casting his gaze upward to look at her hand.

"You're acting very strange. I thought that you might have a fever or something."

"No. I feel great." He grinned happily.

How can he not be happy and smiling. He just found out that he'd been worrying over nothing, and now this woman that makes him feel so comfortable and at ease can still become his girlfriend. True the matter has never fully been talked through between them, and chances are she'd say no. But somehow Cotl wanted to believe that she wouldn't. That she would look at him and love him. And with Lissa he could have what he was trying to get with Paula... he would have a person. Rocky has two people- or had two people. Tum Tum has Paige, his parents have each other. He would have grandpa but he doesn't want to burden him with his numerous problems, so he needs Lissa... he needs Lissa to be that person. In fact, if he'd gotten anything out of a night of tossing and turning its that when you want something you have to act on it. You can't just sit around wondering.

"Lissa?"

"Hmm?" She slowed her chewing incase she would have to talk right away.

"Look... I know that you're an instructor and I'm a student and the two of us seeing each other is wrong. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to go out with you."

Swallowing her first bite she takes another hoping that the conversation will go in a different direction than the one she knows its going to.

"You and I see each other like this all the time and" He watches her reaction, cocking a brow when seeing that it seems she's trying to avoid listening to him. "Lissa will you have dinner with tonight?"

Setting her burger down, she nods. "Sure."

"Really?"

"Yes." With a shrug she goes on saying. "I wasn't planning on saying, yes, you should know that but... thinking about it... Its hard to say, no." Her brown-green gaze lands on her lap. "When you kissed me at the park I felt something, its weird but its something and I haven't stopped thinking about you since... ha, actually since we'd met."

"You hide it well- well, minus a few slip ups because I'm too hot to ignore." He teases.

Laughing, she shakes her head. "Are you insane?"

"No. I'm a man."

"Creep." She said playfully and rolled her eyes. "If we're going to date and see each other, I'm gonna have to devolope a thicker skin to your antics. Because there is no way I'll let myself be distracted while you get away with murder."

"I'd only kill you with kindness." He takes her hand and kisses it.

"Mhm." She intoned with a hint of sarcasm. Men like Colt are the reason so many women lose themselves. She jokes about it, but she knows the truth that she will not be one of them.

Lunch ended and the two head back towards the school. This was beginning to become a habit with them. Lissa wondered if it would be 'there thing'? Colt really did seem to be in a better mood than when they had come out. She had to wonder what was going on in that head of his.

"Lissa?"

"Hmm?"

"What were you like as a child?"

"Excuse me?"

"As a child. I'm sort the same- with a couple changes here and there."

"Like what?"

"I don't act before I think." Her raised brows caused him to laugh guiltily. "Okay, so maybe I still do that. But I honestly do consider other peoples feelings now."

"That's good."

"Yeah. Its Robbie's fault... the bastard had the nerve to snap at me one day." Even as he said it he felt like the ghost of the male would come down on him. "It was actually pretty creepy how accurate he was." He trailed off in thought.

"Sometimes it takes a near stranger to really tell you who you are- or how you're behaving." She says softly.

"Yeah but, that isn't me... at least, not really." He shrugged in defense.

"Its okay. I know what you mean," She reached out absently to hold his hand, giving his a squeeze when he takes it. "We all have someone we become when things are getting out of control. Its a panicked, small person, but its big in stature."

"...Yeah." Colt turned his head to look at this woman.

It was amazing really. He'd always met people who are his age or older and they're just not adults. But with Lissa she's just that. She's an adult, she's mature. Sure Rocky is mature but his has shifted and he's become closed off and almost angry. There's no comfort coming from his calm and cool brother anymore. Tum Tum is in his own little world, plus talking to him would only further his dread over the events slowly happening to them all. Lissa really would be that stability in his life and with the way his chest is tightening he can tell he needs that more than anything. Especially right now, with all the confusion going on with him and Paula.

His quieted snickers brought her attention to him. "What is it?"

"I was just thinking about how screwed up I am."

"You're not screwed up."

"Yes. I _really_ am." He practically stressed each word.

Rubbing his back in a comforting way, she then stuffed her hands into her pocket. "Wanna talk about it?" She offered.

"Actually... yeah. I do." Again he made a dry laugh.

It really is amazing how things change. Before, he'd joke his way out of a serious moment, wanting no part of feelings or the explosions that happen because of them. But right now, it feels as if he'd give anything to let it all out.

Nodding, the woman took out her cellphone. "I'm gonna call the school and tell them I won't be back, you should do the same."

"Huh?"

"We'll go to my place. Its better than talking out on the streets or at the college, right?" While waiting out the rings, she added. "You look like you could use a good rest too."

He could. Last nights toss and turn left him a wreck inside and out. He didn't even realize it until having it pointed out. He is tired. Taking out his phone he calls the school telling them that he can't make the rest of his classes today, they didn't seem to broken up about it but, then again, neither was he. The two of them walked to Neilissa's apartment, she said 'hello' to a neighbor who waved as they passed by in the lobby. The door to the apartment closed as Colt found his way to the comfortable dark purple couch and took a seat. Lissa went into the kitchen grabbing them each a can of apple juice. Setting his drink down on the coffee table, she took a seat beside him and opened her can but doesn't drink.

"So..."

Repeating her word, tone and all he says. "So..."

"You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah. I just wasn't sure of where to begin."

"Oh, well... what's bothering you presently."

"Right now this," He laughed.

Joking. She knew it. Colt will always be Colt. He'll never open up, he'll only let things fester until he explodes like he always does. Its not as if its a problem for anyone that knows him well enough to know that Colt is more bark than bite when angry, but for others it could be really scary.

"Colt please, don't joke about this." She takes his hand to steady is flight suggesting nerves. "Tell me..."

Sighing, his shoulders slumped he clears his throat then says. "I feel like we've all switched places."

Brows furrowed, she asked. "Who all?"

"Me and my brothers. I feel like Rocky's the new me, Tum's the new him and I'm Tum Tum... young, naive, and stupid to life- well, at least that's how he was as a child."

"But he's matured now. It isn't that he's changed himself... he's just come out of his youthful drives. He's still that same naive kid deep down. I'm sure of it, and Rocky... he's changed a lot since I've met him- maybe even more than yourself. But, under all the nuances to his personality he's still Rocky. When has he ever let you down when you really need him?"

That was all true. Tum Tum is planning on being a chef, and Rocky still loves detective work and is even on a team part time and he's been going out on local F.B.I cases and he... Colt has... he has nothing. The only noticable changes in himself are that he's devolving into a child rather than evolving into a man.

"Tum's got his own apartment... my _little_ brother does!" He exclaimed as if the world were about to shatter and this would be the best damned reason. "And Rocky's got his job and will no doubt get a place right out of school. What have I got?" He shrugged.

But to his surprise Lissa said something that didn't make him cringe. "You've got me."

He'd honestly expected her to give him some advise or analyze him to make it like he's the problem and he has to do more soul searching or something. Colt has enough to think about in a day and further searching his chasm of a soul would only make it harder to continue going through the changes that he's able to make.

"Here." A pillow on her lap, she pressed a hand to his shoulder to instruct him to lie down on it. "Talking is easier when you're laying down- I wonder why?" She took on a posture of mock thinking.

"I can think of a lot of other things I'd rather do lying down than talking." He wriggled his brows suggestively.

Giving the fiesty male a stern look she smiled when he chuckled playfully. She really is a sucker for him. Hand slightly shaking, she reached out and stroked his hair. Something like this would be a nice way to end a few days. Quietly or talking with someone whom you feel comfortable with.

"You know what, if you stop counting all the 'do nots' and work on the blessings, you'll find that you've actually got a lot of good things going on."

"All I have are changes, different needs... different preferrences... different thoughts. Its amazing how when you're a bomb waiting to explode the world wants to talk, they want you to open up. And the minute you're ready to, no one can be bothered anymore." Looking into her dark eyes, he asked. "How are people supposed to show that they've changed when the world decides not to wait for them, or take them when they're ready to be offered?"

"I don't know."

"Exactly. Now I've got all this talk built up and no ear to give it to."

"Its not the same from me, hm?" She asked. "I know what you mean, so don't think I'm offended or anything. I know that you wanna talk to Rocky, or Tum Tum... you may even want to talk to that boy you spoke about earlier, Robbie."

"Hm." He sighed in thought. "I never even got to tell the guy that I was sorry... or eventually would have been sorry for what I'd put him through. I told Rocky but... he doesn't believe me. All he knows is that I hated his boyfriend and in a way him for betraying me."

"How did he betray you?"

"I thought I knew him and then he sprung this whole gay thing on us all."

She wet her mouth in thought. "I wasn't around during that time, but what Rocky was going through helped him get over a larger picture... whether it was good or bad, it was his way. Just as you like to do things your way."

"My way always blows up."

"And so? Colt, you're really smart... and fun to be around. You see the world as the same way, so when things change you blow up because you're used to comfort and familiarity. Every man is decent when things go right, but when things go wrong you're gonna see a monster in a lot of people. No one is immune to personal pain. Ask anyone. They'd rather lose an arm than suffer an emotional scar."

"Yeah."

She nodded along with him; her hand still absently stroking his soft dirty blond hair.

"I give up, you know... I give up." He turned his head to look at her rather than the ceiling. "I'm tired of looking for someone to understand me, I'm tired of trying to be understood. I don't know what I wanna do with my life... I just give up."

"Why?"

"Because when you wanna try, no one else does. I'm not in the mood to play run around while I clean up past messes, so just forget it all. I have no future waiting for me."

"And what about school?"

"I'll finish school... and then I'll just see where it goes from there. I can almost guarantee that it'll be something with fast food." Rolling his eyes, he sighs in defeat. "I went to college believing that I was gonna be a rockstar or a classical pianist- weird I know, but I can play really well. I could even go on to be an actor... but..." With a shrug he looks over at the woman again. "I'm lost now. Rocks not for me anymore- I still like the music but... it just doesn't fit. And acting... how long will that last me before I get bored or lose myself to media."

"I know what you mean. I've always wanted something different in life than to be a teacher. I'm very bright. Trained. And what was it all for?"

"But at least a teacher is a respectable career."

She shrugged, shaking her head. She doesn't think so. Teachers are needed and very important, but the job is not for her. She wants more.

"You're very right about a lot of things, Colt. Sometimes some things just don't suit you, but you're stuck making due with what you've chose." Her gaze is distant but looking directly at the door ahead. "Your Paula should hear what you think about listening, then maybe she'll hear you out instead of blowing you off all the time. I really think she's making a big mistake."

Colt chuckled a dry sort of sound. "She'll never listen to me. She hates me for what I've done... I'll never be able to apologize and I'll never be able to get her back- as a friend." He added quickly. "Its just like I've said... anytime you change and want to prove it, no one wants it or cares."

"But... maybe we can change all that. Never mind what people aren't willing to give to you, you make those changes Colt, and let them see them. Good or bad in their eyes it doesn't matter because its what _you_ want."

"And what do you want?" He asked sincerly. He honestly wanted to know, it wasn't just a plan to distract her from coaching his down-spiral.

Lissa was quiet for a long while, but she heard herself softly saying. "I want to be honest with myself. I want to allow myself to want things without being afraid of what those things are." She nodded unsteadily. "And... Colt. I can't find those things by being a drama instructor so... I guess what I'm saying is that, you're right. I'm gonna quit. I'm gonna find another job and try to live as I want to."

Sitting up he held a hand to her shoulder. "Are you sure? I mean, you were telling _me_ all that stuff. Me, who has nothing to lose, you shouldn't let it sway you..."

"Why not? I'm unhappy teaching. I... everytime you're around me I feel weird, and I've told you a thousand times that there can be nothing between us because of my job." Touching the hand that's holding her shoulder she smiled. "I'm such a diva, right? I was supposed to be helping you- listening to you and I turned it around to me."

"Are you kidding? Its nice to see initiative up close, I'm usually only around during the movement and asking questions that get answers that make no sense." Standing, he says joyfully. "Diva away."

Laughing, she stands as well. "Fine. I will... and my third act will be to find a job tomorrow."

"Third? What about the first and second?"

"Well, my second act is by going to dinner with you as I promised. And the first..." Her gaze shifted absently to the door of her bedroom as she thought about her words carefully.

Colt was sure that he was seeing things, or maybe he was crazy? There's just no way that she could be suggesting... "Lissa? Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"I'm saying that... we've known each other for years now... we're both 22 years old. And I-..."

Cutting her off he shouts. "Yeah!" He only needed the yes before he gripped both sides of the woman's face to draw her in for a deep kiss. His life may be turning into a pile of nothingness, but at least he'll have someone. And he heard her words repeated as they stepped backward, still joined at the lips, toward her bedroom.

...

"Alright, the recipe calls for 1/2 cup of chopped nuts. Paige, do you like cashews?"

"I hate nuts." She replied.

"You better be kidding."

She only snickered as a response.

Rolling his eyes he returned to what he'd been doing, which is trying out a new recipe from a cookbook he'd had delivered earlier that week. Beating the nuts that are safely sitting inside a sandwich bag, he then dumps the crushed contents into the rice. Stirring it with a wooden spoon he scoops out a mouthful, blowing on it as he walked it over to his girlfriend, who's in the middle of learning a new dance routine.

"Here. Try this."

Pausing her movement she opened her mouth taking the bite from the spoon. Chewing it, she works over every taste that's in the rice. "Good."

"Just good?"

"Just good. What, you want me to praise you on something that's not your best. Be lucky that its good." She shrugged.

"You know, sometimes I wonder what it would like" He removed what was left on the spoon, by eating it himself. "to have a girly-girl for a girlfriend."

"It'd be something liiike," Fluttering her lashes, hands clasped up by her cheek, she says in a very girly tone. "Boyfriend, its wonderful! You're gonna ace that test for sure with that one- although, anything you make would be an ace in my book." She offered him a toothy, rat-like grin.

Scrutinizing her with a glance, he shook his head in dismay. "My girly-girl girlfriend would use my name." He smiled before returning to the stove.

"Fine. Oh Michael rule my taste buds with your insanely good cooking prowess." Walking into the kitchen, practice abandoned from distraction. She leans over his shoulder to look into the pot he's stirring.

"Its a rue."

"Oh." Sniffing the air, she smiles. "Its smells so good."

"Mhm." He agreed. "We're having cutlettes."

"Sweet." Flittering away, she looks over her shoulder. "Stacy is coming over for lunch tomorrow."

"So."

She shrugged. "You're my non-husband I should tell you these things."

"Oh. Cool. Well then I should tell you that my friend Corey will be coming over as well."

"This wouldn't be a set-up, would it?" She flops down on the couch. "Stacy isn't exactly fond of set-ups."

"No. And besides, Stacy is a monster, why would I want my bestfriend to be burdened by her?"

"Because harrassing our friends is kind of funny." She laughed.

"I know right." Turning off the stove, he plates up the meal bringing it over to the coffee table. "Dinner is served."

"Just in time for America's Funniest Videos." She turned on the television going straight for channel 8.

Its always like this for them. Arguementive and peaceful. Nothing would ever change... at least not yet. Tum Tum didn't want to tell Paige right away, but for a while he's been planning to ask her something very important.

"I miss sex."

Andre laughed in agreement to that statement; holding the punching bag a little more tightly as Rocky rained blows upon it. "Do you now?"

Smiling, Rocky punched the bag harder and harder feeling a strain in his arms after the sixth blow. "Yeah."

Grinning impishly, Andre shakes his head. "Can't say that I can help you out there, you know how I feel about the ladies- plus my wife might kill me if she ever found out."

Rocky snickered. "Found out? That mean you'd eventually comply?" He teased.

"Sure." His companion shrugged. "You're not ugly, and maybe if you were to push up on me in the right way..." He paused then said. "Nah, I couldn't go through with it."

"Good. I don't wanna be responsible for breaking you and you Carmen."

"As if you could." Rocky cocked a brow to that statement and Andre weighed his words. "Hey, maybe you could."

"How's Dana doing, by the way?"

"Little girls, you know. They're all tea parties and daddy wear a dress." He smiled. "Dresses a lot more comfortable than they look."

Laughing Rocky nodded. "If I had a daughter I'd wear a dress for her, I guess. I'd do anything for Arc, so I'm sure I'd do anything for her as well."

"Arc, yeah. Maybe they should meet. I'll bet they'd like each other."

"Maybe they'll even fall in love someday and get married. Then we could be related."

"Dude, sweet." He held up his fist and the two popped knuckles. Being forced back a step or three, he shakes his head. "Okay, killer" He said when the bag beat into him a little too hard. "my turn."

Taking the bag into a hug, Rocky holds it in place for his friend while he punched away at the firm leather. Both men fell into a silence, one in thought the other concentrating on beating at the bag until he'd paused.

"I could set you up with someone."

"Nooo, thank you." He made sure to stress his reply. "I don't like the idea of... well, turning into Sin."

"Right. Sorry."

"Its okay." He meant that. He knew Andre as a good friend, probably his best male friend- living anyway- and he'd never say something smart or stupid to try hurting Rocky's feelings like most people would. "I'm not really sure I'm even into men, but I don't know... You know any girls?"

"None but my wife's friends and they're either married or dating."

"Ehh, its probably lucky that they are." Getting a grip on the bag when Andre looked poised for punching, Rocky withstood the hits.

"You planning on becoming a monk?"

"Why? Its not like I'm taking a vow to never do it again, I just wanna make sure that its with someone I care about." He shrugged. "I think I'm too mature for flings."

"A generation of men just rolled over into a coma because of that comment."

Rocky laughed. "Its so dumb. Before Robbie I'd only ever had sex twice and I was cool with that. I wasn't interested in that mindless way of gaining pleasure."

Andre's dark brows rose in shock.

"Its true. But since being with Robbie it was all I thought about and if he had his way it would have been all we did."

"Whoa... are you from the future? Where men actually want to listen to what a woman says? And they snuggle, and make fine dinners themselves. Do you have female friends that you don't even fantasize about?"

"Yeah. All of them."

The male actually seemed hurt by that. "I at least have the knowledge that I have Carmen, but you're _single_" He stressed the word. "you can have it all, and yet you're fine with just... talking." He almost whispered the last word. "Incredible." He commented when Rocky nodded. "You're a very frightening man, the more I get to know about you."

"Hahaha, well, I aim to impress."

"I guess that's alright since you're looking for marriage rather than flings, anyway."

After their workout they grabbed their bags and headed for the showers. They've been at the gym for a while and its getting late. Rocky needs to get back to campus and make a few calls. One to his son and one to Paula. He had to make sure that she was alright. Colt was acting really strange the other night and he might have turned his frustration into anger which he'd gladly shoot off at the person responsible for it.

"Wanna come to my place for dinner Saturday?" Andre asked while they dried themselves and dressed.

"What are you having?" He asked casually, though his answer to the question was 'yes'.

"I think meatball subs."

"Okay."

"Good." He tugged his shirt down. "Be there by six."

Rocky nodded grabbing his bag, putting the strap over his shoulder.

They walked out of the gym and got into Andre's car. He'd been the one to pick Rocky up and he had to drop him off at school before going home. In the car, Rocky made his call but the phone remained ringing. That was odd. She always answered her phone- especially when its a call from him. Since getting out, she'd made it her business to contact Rocky right away and give him her new number.

_'It's too early for her to be asleep. Maybe she's on the phone with Colt, now.'_ He flipped his phone shut. _'Let them argue. They need it. The more they fight the sooner they'll realize that they're wrong for each other still and Colt will drop the matter and she'll stop feeling so guilty about blowing him off.'_

These thoughts, Rocky hoped were right.


	6. You Lying Piece of

A.N.: It is amazing what happens with situations like that, and you want to understand, you really try to but there's no understanding that sort of thing. It hurts you and yeah I think she should have slapped him hahaha. Tum's got some big plans for his future and hopefully my brain won't go the other way and spoil them. Thank you for the review and thank you all who are reading, it means a lot to me. Enjoy the chapter!

...

This was all happening so fast. When had her own personal lament turn into being mauled by a guy she's secretly been crushing on for the past year? No, this was ridiculous and wrong right now, she has to stop it before it gets out of hand. Pushing on Colt's chest, she rolled away from him when he moved to the empty side of the bed. Panting they both look at each other; heat scorching between their gazes and bodies. Lissa shook her head when Colt laid a questioning look on her.

"What is it? I thought that... you know?" He let the statement be open ended.

"I thought so too but... its too soon. We only just admitted anything- well, I have, you've been telling me off and on for years but... I can't have sex with you, Colt. We may have years under our belts for knowing each other, but its not romantically and I'm just not ready yet."

Colt seemed hurt, but he nodded all the same. "Can I dream about you at least?" He grinned impishly.

Lissa laughed, glad for the broken tension. "Of course you can... but no talking in your sleep." She pointed at him accussingly.

Colt scoffed, holding a hand to his heart as though he could feel the attack coming on from such hurtful words. "You're kidding." After a thought he added. "You'll let me spend the night?"

"I said you needed rest and I meant it... so yeah, as long as you sleep with your boxers on, you can stay."

Grinning he pulled her over to him, wrapping his arms around her shoulders he kissed her tenderly and she responded with the same. There's nothing wrong with making out, right? But somehow making out got a little more frantic, he'd only meant to hold her a little lower on her body, but stroking her butt sort of took a frontal turn and they ended up sticking their hands into each others pants. It was hurried, it was raw, it was passionate, and it was horribly wrong of them. But it felt like a weight had been lifted the moment they released. But then came a shameful feeling and after cleaning themselves; Lissa chose cooking dinner as a distraction, Colt decided to grab the remote control and see if television had anything decent to watch, leaving the station on TBS which is showing _Seinfeld_.

Colt put his nose in the air sniffing at the wonderful scent wafting around the house. "That smells awesome," He said loudly enough to be heard over the sink water that's running.

"Thank you." Lissa replied. "I'm beef stroganoff, are you alergic mushrooms?"

"No. I can eat anything." He smiled at how warm it felt just being in this woman's apartment so comfortably. "Need any help, I could set the table?" He offered.

"No table," She laughed. "its my place, we can eat in the living room."

Colt can hear the pot being lidded.

"Besides, I hate radio tv." She brought in the two plates then returned to the kitchen to grab their fresh cans of soda. "Which episode is it?"

"_The Frogger Machine_." He replied, and nodded a 'thank you' for the meal before digging in. "You know for the longest time, I couldn't eat with chopsticks. Everytime my grandpa brought them out I'd end up asking for a fork."

"My mother taught me. She's very good at it."

He liked that unknown bit of information about. Getting to know Lissa romantically was going to be fun. Figuring he'd take this as a sign to further learn about the woman he asked. "Lissa... I'm not sure if I've asked you this before or not but... what's nationality are you?"

Finding that a weird question, though she saw no harm in answering, she said. "Asian american, like yourself."

"Oh cool... I hadn't noticed. I guess I was swayed by your eye color."

"Happens." She shrugged.

Cocking his head, he smiled. "You know, don't take this as my hitting on you to be fresh but... you're really beautiful."

Lissa blushed and decided then that eating was the best option and stuffed a shrimp into her mouth.

The two watched television conversationally quiet but verbally they were laughing at the show. Especially when the character, George, stuck his hand out hoping to stop the speeding truck before it smashed into the froggy machine that was haulted from getting out of the street by the uprise on the curb. The next episode was one with a man who's a bit of a 'close talker'. It was a comfortable, relaxing evening and Lissa was right, they very much both needed it. He thought he'd be more upset over her quiting her teaching job, but excitement that he gets to date her took control and his mind is already calculating how many places he can take her to, what things he'll say to sweet talk her. But for some reason it seemed that none of his usual would work on a woman such as herself. She's... she's just there. Colt wondered, for the second time, if this is what it felt like to be with The One. The one you can breathe with, let down all those unknown tensions you carry in a day, relax with... Turning his head he looked at her carefully. He can't help notice that she does resemble Paula a lot in little ways, but she isn't; she passed the test after all, she'd had chocolate and didn't end up vomiting or going to the hospital because her throat was closing up. So... maybe its for the better that the two of them do move on. She can stay away and keep her reasons why. As long as she eventually forgives him, he can live with never seeing her again. Can't he?

When bedtime came, she exited the closet with her pajamas in hand. "I'm showering, can I trust you not to get into anything while I do?"

Rolling his eyes, Colt replied. "Yes mother, I'd keep my itchy hands behind my back at all times." He grinned sweetly.

Cocking her head, she shook it in dismay. "I always get stuck with the child who says something like that, then backs around the room getting his sticky little fingers on anything in grasp." Shaking her fist at him as a mock warning to behave, she entered the bathroom closing the door.

Colt watched the door for a moment, then decided to give her her privacy and went into the kitchen to wash the dishes for her. He's no dummy, his grandfather raised him right- well, ninja'd good manners into him rather. He never once tried very hard to do his share at the cabin, not that he didn't take ninja very seriously. But when it came to cleaning, he failed to see how "wax on, wax off" was gonna help him in combat any. But eventually he gave in to it, and now he's a fine little helper. That dinner was one of the best he's had in a while; he always forgets the taste of a good homecooked meal. Ramen every day for lunch, _Hot Pockets_ for dinner were not cool after a while, so he'd always hoped for the days when he could have money in his pockets. But part time jobs were cutting into his sleep time and he had to do a lot of schedule shifting with classes. Maybe he should just quit school, get a full time job, and stay with Lissa until he can afford his place. She'd let him, right? It'd be stupid romantic, that was for sure. He'll pillow talk to her about it.

Drying his hands on a towel, he draped it over the handle bar on the oven door where he'd gotten it. Walking back into the bedroom he'd stuttered to a hault seeing her walk out of the bathroom, towel in her wet hair, robe covering her nude body. She cast him a suspicious eye, but smiled as she walked over to the bed to take a seat to continue drying her hair. Colt swallowed at the sight, was she trying to turn him on? Not that it would take much seducing, if it were up to him he'd have been had her beneath him on that big bouncy bed; whispering his name as he took her to another place... Her giggle took him from his fantasy, she was watching his facial expression.

"How 'bout PG13?" She offered, laughing when Colt looked smacked by a snowball. Grabbing the right lapel of her robe she tugged it over to expose some skin; his hazel gaze drooled over its every inch before the butterscotch color trailed off into a dark red bra. "You think really think that I would flash you? Pervert." She closed her robe off then stood up. "There is a good amount of hot water left, you can take a shower if you want to."

"I don't have anything to change into." He replied as the image replayed itself in his head and would be for the rest of the night.

"Oh, right..."

"That brings up something that I wanted to talk to you about." He walked over to the bed taking a seat. "Let's say... I quit school," He shrugged as if the idea of that were no big deal. "I don't make enough to rent a place for long than a month, so if I asked to stay with _you_" He stressed that. "you would saaay?"

"I would say that you're insane, and school is important. But," She held up a finger. "If you maybe wanted to stay with me until you found a place that'd be alright. You wouldn't have to pay for a dorm, and you and I could split the bills. We're both responsible adults."

Once again, Colt stared at this girl- this woman, amazed. How cool is she to let him stay with her. Maybe he's wrong to have asked. Guilt swept over him quickly.

_'She could feel like she can't say no; like I'm forcing her, and I don't want that. Damn conscience; and since when do I have one?'_ He beat himself up. "Lissa I..." He stopped himself unsure of what to say. "I just... don't want you to think that I'm pressuring you."

"I'm not a child, Colt. I'm able to make up my mind about things all on my own." Her voice held a little contempt in it.

Hoping to remedy the situation he waves his hands in defense, then says. "Its nothing like that, I just thought that maybe you were feeling like you couldn't say, no. Like I'd get mad and would keep pestering you- which I wouldn't!" He wanted to make that clear. "I was in the kitchen when the thought came to me and... How long are you gonna let me babble like an idiot?"

She shrugged. "Colt, I meant what I said. I don't mind having you stay with me... There's no reason to be freaking out." Standing she walked into the bathroom to drop her towel into the hamper, when she returned she slipped off her robe then dressed in a pair of pajamas, all under Colt's guilt ridden gaze. "Can I trust you not to maul me in my sleep? Or would you be able to trust yourself more on the couch?"

Smiling, Colt shook his head. "I can sleep with you," Correcting himself he replied. "We can sleep in the same bed, I won't try anything. I hope the same can be said about you and your sticky fingers though." He teased hoping that it would clear the thickening air in the room.

Lissa smiled in return. "I won't." Climbing under the covers she pulled the blanket up under her arm laying sideways in the direction that doesn't face her guest. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He doesn't climb in. He thought it would be better if she fell asleep first. So returning to the living room he seats himself on the couch and with the remote flipped through the television stations. Surely he could find a movie of the day playing on one of the channels.

He'd been an hour into _Hellboy 2_ when the phone rang. It wasn't his phone surprisingly, it was Lissa's. Wondering who would call her this late, he picked it up seeing that it was his brother. He should answer the phone. After all, Rocky may be back at the dorm and wondering where he is by now. Although if he's calling Lissa than probably not, but he should still tell him just incase. He knows how much his brother worries about things like that due to what happened to him a few years back.

Flipping up the phone he holds it to his ear, but before he can say anything Rocky spoke to the receiver.

"Paula, are you alright? I've been calling you and you haven't picked up until now? Is it Colt? Has he said something wrong again?"

Colt's blood ran cold. Why would Rocky- why would _anyone_ call Lissa...? Surely he pressed the wrong button in his speed dial? Yeah, yeah that was it! Rocky had pressed the wrong button and dialed Lissa by mistake. It happens. His phone had once been on for two hours without his even knowing it because he'd 'butt-dialed' as its termed.

"Paula... are you there? Do you need anything? Say something, please?"

His brother sounded so frantic and sure of whom he's speaking to, Colt couldn't interrupt.

"Listen, just forget about him. He's... I mean, he's changed but... not in any way that would matter to you. You _can't_ let Colt get to you."

He knew it! Rocky does badmouth him to Paula; that's why she doesn't forgive him. That little fucker.

"I'm gonna hang up now. You... you just take it easy, eventually he'll give up on the whole thing and you can get back to your new life."

Just when he thought his brother would hang up after that, he followed his message up with something else...

"See you in class tomorrow. Bye."

The nail in the coffin. Lissa is Paula... But wait! She drank some of his shake! His _chocolate _shake! Paula is alergic and can't have it. There was no way she could have it without ending up in the hospital with a closed off throat or swelling. But dammit... he doesn't know what to believe now. Closing the phone he looked towards the bedroom door where his soon-to-be former instructor rest. Thoughts swirled through his mind over this whole thing. What reason would Paula or Lissa have to lie to him? Aside from the obvious, but... it isn't like either of them to be so cruel. Did he really hurt her that badly that she would change her identity and lie to him- especially knowing how he feels about this alter ego? Maybe its worse than that and really does have an alter, like Rocky had Sin and as far as Colt is concern still does. His brother can act so strangely sometimes, he has to wonder. But Lissa? An alter? Who better to be sympathetic to the situation than Rocky, he supposed. But if that's true than she should just tell him. It all made sense now... the way she had reacted to the conversation about him and Paula when they were growing up. Her opinion on men and their lack of self-doubt. It all made sense.

Walking into the bedroom, he thought about waking her up and shaking answers out of her. But he did not. Instead he crept over to the bed and pulled the blanket down from her chest. There is one thing about your body that you can't change... birthmarks. Lissa has green eyes to Paula's brown, contacts could easily cover that up. He'd even asked her once about it when he'd noticed them during his search for the truth about his past and wound up with the McRae's. She explained that she wore glasses, he knew that, but sometimes she wears contacts because she doesn't want to run the risk of losing her glasses. It was a good answer and one he'd never given a second thought to until now... Kneeling, he stands on his knees beside the bed. He had just gotten a peak at her chest- or a bit of it rather, but his memory can't recall spotting anything beyond the hopes of seeing a nipple. Carefully... very carefully, he undid the buttons of her pajama shirt. His hazel gaze glanced at the sleeping woman to ensure that she remained sleeping while he checked. Just one more button... Lissa's breath came in hard stilling his fingers, but gently it she sighed it out. Carefully the button slide from the slit made for it and he slowly pulled the fabric over.

If she ever wore make-up over them she'd of had no time to put it on with him having been in the room, which meant... Colt caught his breath in his throat as sure enough, sure as the sky reflects blue or grass is green, there upon "Lissa's" chest is a Nike- like the sneaker- birthmark, colored lighter than the woman's skin. It was the one noteable thing about Paula's body that he'd always traced absently when they lay naked together, there was no mistaking it. Lissa and Paula had been lying to him. Or maybe not... maybe she was unaware of it herself. Like Rocky... He could ask his brother about it, get some clearer perspective on it. Yeah.

God he feels so stupid! Even her name was a dead give away- _Neil_issa _Paula_rous. Gritting his teeth in anger, he had to physically grip his own arms to keep them still before his hands grabbed the woman from his past, and shook her from her sleep to confront this situation. How could she? How could she? No. No, this is exactly what Rocky was talking about; what his brother was wrong about... He has changed, and instead of flying off the handle and into a boiling rage, he's going to get information first, and see if he can help in any way that he can. Standing on wobbling legs, he walked out of the apartment being sure to lock the door after him. He can't stay the night tonight, he has to go back to campus and talk to Rocky.

...

Paige stretched her arms up over her head as the early morning sun came in through the window of the apartment. Sniffing, she was drawn out of bed and into the kitchen where she saw a spread across the tiny table. "Mmm. Oatmeal and orange juice." She identified.

Tum Tum moved from the stove and set a side of bacon into both bowls before taking a seat at the table. "I'm freaking out Paige, freaking out!"

Scrunching her face, she asked. "Why?" Taking a seat she grabbed the spoon and dug in with a healthy appetite.

"Because, today might be the day when the mail comes in and I see that the Culinary Arts School has taken me in- keep up woman."

Paige shrugged her shoulders indifferently. She knew her boyfriend was going to get in, he's an amazing cook and she isn't just buttering him up- she never would, its part of the charm of their relationship. "Wanna come to the studio today? We're filming for the show, you can watch."

"I've been to the filming, and with as many times as she you guys have 'do overs', I'll pass today. I don't have the time." He spooned the last bite into his mouth and stuffed both pieces of bacon in after swallowing, chewing as though he had no teeth before swallowing that as well. Chugging his drink, he set the glass down then hurried around the table to kiss his girlfriend goodbye.

"Wait... where are you going?" She asked when he was at the door and slipping his feet into his sneakers.

"Work. I took an early shift today so I could be home for lunch- remember? Corey and Stacy are coming over."

"Oh right, I forgot. Okay, see ya."

"Bye." He closed the door with a sound thud.

Grinning, her mouse like grin the girl popped up from the table then dashed into the bedroom. Stuffing her hand under the mattress she felt around for the slit that had been made by Tum Tum weeks back. Sticking her hand inside she pulled free a little velvet box, opening it she beamed at the cute little diamond ring inside. "I do." She said in a princess-like way, her nose in the air like she were stuffy and wealthy and worthy of being married to a guy like Tum Tum. Giggling, she slipped the ring on her finger; she's been dying to do so since she'd found it but so far she'd only been looking at it. At first she wondered if she were mistaken, that maybe it was fake and he was just being old-fashioned and wanted to 'go steady' or something. But slipping it out of its case she saw that the ring didn't open in the back to adjust the size like the fake ones, and inside it said 18k. Its white gold, with square diamond and because of this cute little ring they've been near starving for a month. Things have only just begun to balance back out for them, but she was sure the ring wasn't yet paid for. Something this nice cost money. That would explain the extra nerves about being taken into culinary school.

_'To think, I'll be married before all my friends.'_ She admired the ring from a distance; flexing her hand and fingers to see what kind of light she could catch with it.

...

Colt had spent the night, not on campus but pacing the hall of Lissa's apartment building. He had to get his words together because he felt on the verge to slug his brother right in the jaw because there was no way that Rocky didn't know, and with how protective he is over Paula of course he wouldn't tell him about it. Damn him. Hasn't Rocky forgiven him yet? Can he not trust that his own brother has made changes? Why is he so stubborn. Rocky... he once thought that his brother was the manifestation of all that was right and good with the world... which is why he sometimes held a bit of distance between them. He hated competing for a position he could never have, but now... Rocky has true colors beneath the surface, he even said that he stuffed down a lot of things that would be considered Wrong so that his parents would never stop believing in him. Secretly, Colt had thought that Rocky missed the end of that sentence which was "like they've stopped believing in Colt". He knew it. He knew he wouldn't be successful, but so what? He doesn't have to be. The world isn't full of successes, someone has to grow the food for the people to eat, right?

He made himself absolutely crazy while he'd been pacing. But now he has to approach. He can't think up scenario's as Rocky does to get the best possible outcome, he can only go with his gut and let play out until it can't anymore. Walking into the dorm building, he thought for sure he'd have to go to their room but as luck would have it Rocky was sitting in the common room reading a book. His brother glanced over at him having felt his energy the moment he'd stepped into the building, so Colt didn't delay the encounter any further. Striding over to his brother he took a seat on the couch beside the arm chair where Rocky is.

Leaning forward, hands steepled together, he says in a calm voice. "I want you to tell me about Sin... I mean, not him, I've learned more than enough about the weirdo in the time he's been around but... I wanna know what an alter is like. Are you aware of what they're doing? Who they know? Why?"

Rocky blinked in confusion as to why any of these things mattered to his brother, but setting his book down he gave him his full attention. "Colt, um... I don't know exactly what reason you're asking this for but, having an alter is different for everyone that's unfortunate enough to split." Rocky shrugged. "That's my answer."

"Well, surely you know if you could see what Sin was up to or not?" He only raised his voice in frustration, he wasn't really yelling.

"I had to be hynotized to find out what he'd been doing, but the few times that I did manage to be conscious while he was it took a lot of effort- moreso when I had tried remembering when I was back in control."

"So... its possible to live a double-life with out knowing about having one?"

Nodding, Rocky replied. "Yes. Why? Have you been having blackouts?" His voice became concern.

Taken back by the question Colt shook his lengthening hair. "No. I was just curious."

"Oh." Rocky seemed to relax a bit. "I hope I could help then."

"Yeah, you have." Standing he walked to the exit but paused. "One more thing... Paula- _our_ Paula Neil... might be Lissa Paularus. Did you know that?"

Like a switch, Rocky's dual colored eyes narrowed to slits. "I might have had an incling, why? Did you finally open your eyes and recognize the girl you're destroyed beneath the make-up she's put on today just to function?"

Colt was speechless at that, so much so, he made a strangled noise in his throat.

"Yeah. I recognized Paula from day one, and I confronted her about it and she told me. She would have told you too, but guess what Colt?" He stood from his seat seeming larger, taller than he actually is. "You were too busy seeing her as a hot new thing to hit on to even bother to recognize that you already know her."

Colt winced at the underlying words of "How dumb do you feel?" And he did feel dumb, because it was obvious- at least, he sees that now. But there were times when he'd look at her and think so, or he'd feel so. It was familiar and nice and scary. All this time... But the times he'd wanted to call her on it, she lied. Why? Was it too late, had he missed his chance for the truth? Does Tum Tum know as well? The two of them had gotten close over the years back then, she would tell him and if not her than Rocky would, wouldn't he? He's always the last to figure things out. The complex plans, the crosswords in the puzzle, homework! Anything... he's always been such a firm believer in doing things quickly, he'd never once thought thinking things through might help. When they were kidnapped as children, he'd given up right off the bat. Rocky didn't, and he'd gotten them out. He's even a bad influence, look at how quickly Tum Tum believed him over their older, wiser, brother. How can he live a life being looked at as a leader when he clearly doesn't even know how.

"So what finally tipped you off?" Rocky asked breaking his brother from his personal lament.

"I'm not telling you." Colt replied hastily. This conversation ended ages ago and he wanted out so that he could speak to Paula about all of this.

"That was _you_ on the phone lastnight wasn't it? You were over at Lissa's place and picked up for her; I thought it was weird that she wasn't saying anything."

"Yeah and speaking of saying anything, how could you bad mouth me like that to her? You know I'm trying to patch things up with her and you do something like that."

"Oh come on!" Rocky bellowed. "Do you really believe that if things could be patched up between the two of you that she would still go with the facade that she's someone else to a close friend?"

That silenced Colt's tirade of anger. Rocky was right. If she really wanted to make things right between them as he does, she would surely have told him by now.

"Get out of here, Colt. Go talk to her, I know you want to."

"I do."

Taking a seat, Rocky opened his book.

Colt took one last look at his brother, anger in his eyes but it quickly faded. This isn't his and Rocky's fight, or their anger. Its his and Paula's. Turning away, he climbed into his car and headed for the woman's apartment. Its gonna be a long day.


	7. Hard Punch

"Let's see," Colt is sitting on a park bench giving himself a verbally 'mental' rundown of the past few days. "so far I've eaten three soft pretzels with nacho cheese, five mini Musketeers candy bars, two bags of onion rings with ketchup, and had two Dr. Pepper sodas." Nodding at the list as if approving it to himself or someone else. "Its official, I'm Tum Tum." Shaking his head, he slumped over in defeat.

Try as he might he cannot think up a way to get through this situation. One part of him wants to embrace the girl and tell her that everything was gonna be alright, that she didn't need to pretend anymore- _if_ she's pretending, he won't rule out that alter ego thing just yet. But the other part of him, the darker part wants to slug her. Weird isn't it? To actually want to slug a woman as though she were a man. But dammit, that's just how he feels. He would never hurt a girl though, this girl in particular. He... He loves her. And there inlies the problem. He can't address the situation with a clear head. He's gonna go in there all hot and ready for confrontation just to end up melting under her dark brown gaze, falling into the brush of her accented voice, always so tiny and meek as if she were apologizing for nothing at all, and he'd be holding himself in her arms if she embraced him. All of this won't solve anything because he'll want her, he'll persue her, and if he gets her... he'll crush her all over again.

"Fuck." Taking his phone from his pocket, he flips it open dialing a number that's unfamiliar to his thumb. Waiting out the rings, he can hear the surprise and wonder in the girl's voice when she picked up. "Anna, its me."

"I know who it is, I'm just _surprised_ that it is." She sounded busy because for a moment she said nothing more, then added later. "So what's up? You never usually call, you write."

"I know, but, I need some advice, _female_ advice."

"Well, then consider me twice as surprised, because with the way you willingly sock me in the arm I'd of figured you thought of me as a man."

Colt's tone dropped and he sighed thoughtfully. Even with a girl he's rarely around he's got a bad reputation. Maybe he should do females a favore and just spare them for the rest of his life. Hmm. No. There was no way he'd become a monk- shaving his head alone was out of the question. He's just starting to get some length and he's not about to ruin the progress he'd made.

"I'd love to joke around with you, sis, but right now I can't." He informed her. "So will you help me?"

"Sure. With what?"

He gave her a rough version of the story and received a whistle from his half sister. "See my problem? So what do I do?"

"First, you stand up from that bench."

Doing so, he stands. "Right."

"Point yourself North,"

Furrowing his brows he does as instructed. "And then?"

"Run and don't stop." She laughed. "There is nothing in this world that can save you, or turn this incident in your favor. Be lucky she doesn't hate you so much that you've been left out of her second identity. The issue is closed, its been closed the moment she decided to give up her name and former life. You've gotta respect that."

Annalisse made a good point. If Paula really had changed her name and wanted him to know than she would have said so the moment he came into class and saw her again. Although, he didn't really _see_ her in the sense that you would see an old friend. He saw... he saw... Colt slumped down onto the bench with a heavy thud. He saw breast, he saw beautiful eyes, and a gorgeous smile. He saw a woman ripe for the plucking and nothing more, nothing less. Being a teacher of his only made getting her more interesting of a challange. It wasn't like her already having a boyfriend- or worse case a husband, he would just have to get her to break the rules and sleep with him. But eventually 'sleep with him' turned into a sort of need to 'be with her'. How easily he could be drawn to this woman, it was frightening. He never considered himself the kind of man who had a person he could call 'the one'. That was Rocky. Hell, its even Tum Tum, but its not him. Rocky knew right away, and he said nothing. With the way he'd brought Lissa up in conversation if Rocky had planned on telling him that would definetly stop him from doing it.

"And there really isn't _any_ way around it?"

"None that I can think of." It sounded as though she were moving around again. "Was that it?"

"Yeah." He said with a downtrotten voice.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't help more. Maybe you should just throw caution to the wind and take the bomb's explosion as it comes. You may be surprised."

"Yeah, she might sock me in the mouth."

"Good luck- oh and Colt!" She shouted before he could hang up.

"Hmm?"

"Tell... Tell Rocky I said, Hi."

Chuckling as he can practically hear the girl blushing, he replied. "Right. And thanks for the luck. See ya." Closing his phone, he stuffs it back into his pocket. Tilting his head back he looks up into the sky. A tiny mosquito passed by his vision but it was so high up there was no way it would bother with him. _'That's right, I'm so insignificant even a mosquito won't bother with me.'_ He closed his eyes, opening them not too long afterwards when something blocked out the sun.

"Colt?" Lissa looked down at him. "What are you doing out here?" She asked, her face full of concern and wonder. Moving around the bench to the front of it she takes a seat beside him. "Why aren't you in class?" Taking out her phone she seemed about to dial a number but then she put it back. "You were gone from the apartment even before classes; why'd you leave?"

"I..." His words seemed to freeze at the moment.

Lissa looked him over carefully then oddly enough she smiled at him. No. It was more of a knowing smirk. Did Rocky give her a heads up? Or did she figure it out on her own? How could she not with the way he's been acting around her, blowing hot and cold and always questioning about Paula. She must have jst assumed that eventually he'd figure it out.

"Paula?" He said faintly, almost testingly to see how she'd react to it.

Lissa's expression dropped to a very noticable frown, her greenish eyes sad.

"Paula, please... trust me." He wasn't sure what he was saying anymore.

Honestly, it felt as though he were in some sort of dream, people don't just happen to show up unless its in a dream. That's how it seems anyway. But she's here, and she's real. Reaching out a hand, he touched her face but she moved back, at first, but gave in and let him do as he wanted. But she said nothing about her identity, of whether she's truly Lissa or secretly Paula. Maybe she's not saying anything because she thinks that Colt is suffering of heat stroke.

"...I know that I've done a lot of nasty things to you, but they were never intentional and I-.."

"Enough." She whispered.

But he went on. He couldn't stop now, not when he's got the words right there with him. "And I need you to know that I've never, not once have I ever truly stopped loving you."

"_Enough_." She said it with more conviction then he's ever heard from the woman's usually lighthearted tone.

"When will it be enough for you?" He asked. "When will you stop suffering from that time so that you and I can be normal together again?"

That clenched it. Colt caught his voice in his throat making a sound like a strangled cat when Lissa stabbed herself in the left eye with her index finger, when she removed it there was a clear cap on the end. Her eyes open slowly, a glare set them hard trained on Colt's face. "You want for it to be enough for me? You want me to stop carrying this pain- this _anger_. Then you decide."

Colt looked into the hardened, angry face of the beautiful young woman. One brown eye, one green reflecting his own stunned face. Its true. She really is Paula. And apparently Lissa is no alter, but a choice. Rocky was right to say that he would not recognize Paula if he saw her. This woman is angry, vengeful. Not the girl he knew to be so sweet and so kind and understanding. The girl who would smile when she saw you, even if she could never get her own words out due to being a bit shy. But once you pulled her away from her shell; always touching it, but never inside, you found yourself in the company of a very joyously happy, talkative, person. And Lissa, openly friendly, but stern when she needed to be. He'd never known her to take shit from anyone, but it was never deflected in a cruel way. Lissa was cunning and kind. If she bit back at you because you came down on her, she'd do it with words placed just so and the sting would come later. Everything he could ever ask for. But to choose. To choose between the two women that he's come to love... How can he?

"...I've already decided." Colt straightened himself up from the defensive lean back he'd taken upon having her razor sharp glare on him. "I... I wanna be forgiven for what happened between us."

Paula scoffed. "And what makes you think that you should be? Because you've changed? How have you changed with _me_ to have this forgiveness granted?"

Colt opened his mouth then closed it, unsure of how to respond to that.

"Colt changes within yourself are fine, wonderful, _naturally bound to happen_... but as far as changing with someone else. Where did I fit in when I've been in that instituation for 3 years? Where did I fit in when I've been out for two and still no calls from you-..."

Cutting her off he said quickly. "_Rocky_ is the reason for that."

"Rocky?" She laughed in disbelief. "Colt, Rocky doesn't own you. He'll say something to you about your decisions, about what you should be doing but dammit he can't physically force you to do anything. You could have looked me up- asked the institute for information. Or my mother. She knows what we had, but she's ridiculously forgiving especially with time. She would have told you where to find me, and all the Rockys in the world couldn't control that."

Colt felt kicked in the nuts. That was definitely Lissa talking. The sting that got you after the words. But there was one thing... "Why didn't you come to me? You had a better chance at contacting me than me contacting you."

"Why would I!" She shouted now. "Why would I contact you- _you_ who threw me away?" Her voice lowered. "Threw _us_ away... why would I seek you out? That damned sentence ran through my mind every day. Every day as I stared at that white wall, huddled within myself for safety... Every day I would hear you saying to me just one time, "you've got one week left with me, so you'd better enjoy it". ...And if you're wondering if that week of enjoying you hung my moon," She laughed dryly, shaking her head is disdain. "You tell me... Should I have smiled? At least I've got this week, this _one_ week to try to make things right between us when, honetly, I don't even know what I've done wrong."

Colt's hazel eyes shot down to his lap. If her words were blades he was sure he'd be scattered throughout this park by now.

"Tell me, when is it _enough_ of holding this pain?"

"I know that you're angry-..."

"I'm not angry! I'm furious! You never even let me talk..." She shakes her head. "I wanted to tell you that you didn't have to feel responsible, that you didn't have to take the matter on at all. Having a baby would have changed a lot of things, I'll admit that, but it didn't have to change us. I'm used to doing things on my own, Colt. Look at how I grew up, I'm no dummy. My mother would have helped me, I would have done every thing right... but you never even gave me a chance to tell you. You just freaked out."

"How could I not freak out? I got my girlfriend pregnant!" This time he began to shout. "I know what I'm seen as, I'm no dummy either! My parents were so damned disappointed in me because I was unresponsible, your mother was angry, Rocky couldn't even look at me unless he was taking aim... It seemed like your being pregnant let everyone down, including _you_."

She shook her head vigorously. "I wasn't let down by you because of that, I was let down by myself. I loved you, and I thought one time without protection wouldn't do anything and damned if it didn't... But I'm to blame as much as you for that."

"Hn. Not the way everyone else saw it."

"I can't help that, but I would have explained it to them no matter what it took or how many times I'd have to do it. It takes two people to make a baby when it comes to intercourse- dammit Colt, this is _exactly_ why I didn't want to see you. I told you this conversation is too raw, we can't..." She stands then. "We can't do this anymore!"

"But I'm sorry for what I said... if I had known that that would send you to a mental instit-"

"That wasn't the reason!" She cut him off before he could go any further. "Do..." Her voice lowered. "Do you really believe that the reason I went away was because you broke up with me so cruelly?" She asked knowing that clearly he did. "I stuck around for as long as I could but nothing I did seemed to matter to anyone and it was causing me stress so I dropped out; all the girls at school saw me as nothing more than this clingy bitch, who refused to let you go. The boys saw me as easy and they kept making passes at me or asking for dates. When they learned that I was pregnant I was then branded as tainted goods, a ball and chain... but that isn't what put me in the home. I could have dealt with all that nonsense when I felt strong enough to... what hurt me was that I miscarried. A baby that I started to love and care for..." Her voice broke just then as tears streamed down her cheeks. "She was just gone..."

Colt felt his own tears just then, and they fell just as hard and as rapidly as hers. He had no idea. He'd always sort of known but, honestly, he had hoped that she'd gotten an abortion, not that she'd just lost the baby. It had died before it even got to be born. Before it could get a name and be counted. Before it... "Oh my God." He'd heard himself whisper before slumping over sobbing. "I'm so sorry, Paula."

Her sobs were just as apparent as his own, her sniffles hard enough to cause a wind current that could lift her skirt from her knees. It was such a weird moment that it seemed both of them realized it at the same time because their tears and sobs turned into gentle chuckles and instead of shaking with grief, they shook with laughter. Loud, hysterical, booming laughter and tears still streamed from their eyes and down their faces. It seemed that they were having an emotional overflow and since they were unsure of what to do or feel they just felt it all at once. Anger pounded their fist against the bench or their thigh, sadness kept their tears flowing, relief from clearing the air spilled laughter from their voices. But where was the happiness? Do they have no more between them? Just the emotions of pain and need that beg them to seek out the other person just so they can explain their feelings. Should they even explain their feelings? Why does it have to be so complicated just to understood without problems. Without someone believing that you're insane when you cry or cry-out. Its ok to yell, its okay to scream and cry and be emotional if thats what breaks that wall away. The one telling you to keep face and hold it in. The wall that turns you to stone on the outside but allows the pain to rip you up inside. Why do they have to live in delusion?

When the laughter stopped, calming to nothing but silence between them. Colt took the lead and looked at the girl from his past as the woman she's become. Does he know her? He can't really say so. This isn't Lissa he's speaking to, its Paula. No more pretending. He has so much to say and no way of knowing how to say it without sounding like a complete fool, or ass. "I'm sorry." He says again, softly, quietly. Taking her hand into his own, he held it in one and caressed the back with the other. "And I'll say it as many times as it takes to make the pain stop."

Paula shook her head. "It won't stop. That's part of the problem why I didn't want to see you. The pain won't stop, it comes back at me over and over and I never know what to do about it. I become angry, and break things. I hate myself... But I can't stop feeling that loss."

"I don't expect you too. What happened is... God, if I ever really knew what happened."

"What? What would have changed?" Paula asked. "Would you have come to the home to see me? Would you have changed your mind about breaking up with me? Apologized sooner?"

Colt could only look at her as if to say that was all he had to offer.

"It would have changed nothing. When I finally got myself up, when I finally found a way to continue on... I asked if I could look into the registry, to see if anyone had come to see me. I wanted to apologize to them for... for what I'm not even sure of but..."

"You didn't see my name."

"I saw Rocky dozens of times, Tum Tum three. Your mother and my mother came by. I had no idea at all. None of their visits registered for me, I had sunk so deep and I was no where near the end of it. I just kept going and going, lower and lower..."

"And then you created Lissa?" He wants to know more. To share her pain.

Paula blinked as if that made no sense to her at all. But then she realized what he must be talking about and shook her head. "I woke up all on my own, it was one day when I was being taken for a walk. Can you believe it? A wasp flew by my ear and I swatted it away," She smiled then laughed in a tiny way. "It was then that my brain told me that this was ridiculous, that I had to live on. I can get past my problems and pain just as easily as I can defend myself from a wasp."

"It was a wasp?" He sounded just as perplexed as she had been when it happened.

"Mmm." She intoned and nodded. "Isn't that stupid? I've sat through sesson after sesson with some head doctor and it took a wasp to bring me to the surface. Its small, but its brave because it knows it can be mighty even to something as large as a human. Its... symbolic in a way. Which is why I got this," She suddenly reached into her purse for a wet-nap or some sort and with it she wiped hard on a patch of her skin just a little past her ear. "See." She lifted her hair and turned her head.

Leaning forward Colt smiled. "Shit. I never noticed that." There is a tiny two inch, but very detailed, wasp tattood into her skin.

"You wouldn't have," She lowered her hair. "I wear make-up over it. How would it look if a teacher had a tattoo?" She laughed.

Colt chuckled as well. He'd actually find it bad ass, and pretty hot. He suddenly scolded himself again. He thought that he'd gotten over thinking in that way, but it seems its always there, rolling around beneath the surface. Kind of like how his heart strings are being pulled with every feather accented word the girl says. Its a new feeling that, but its not all around painful. Its actually nice. It feels like someone else exist inside of himself besides himself. Why can't he convey it properly to her- hell, to himself really. He refuses to believe the darker side of himself that's only telling him he wants to be with Paula because she's out and has once again begun her lure of mystery that first attracted him to her.

Shoving him, she laughed out. "Stop thinking I'm hot you boob."

Grinning impishly, Colt shoved her back. "I can't help it, and how do you know what I'm thinking anyway? I could have been going over a math problem or something."

"Of course you were."

In silence once again, Colt looked up into the cloudy sky. This was all like some weird dream that he didn't wanna wake up from. He's talking with Paula, sitting with her, and true they were screaming at each other not moments ago. He can't help but smile at how easily she goes right back into being comfortable around him. Like they were never separated. He regrets what happened between them, but he can make it up to her, he knows he can.

"I couldn't return to my old life... everytime I thought about picking up and moving on I would become angry and break things- I've told you this... I tried to hurt myself a few times, but no... I had to be stronger, and even when I reached in and found that strength... Paula Neil died. I felt no more of my self in my heart and I knew then that if I were gonna start over in life, it would have to be fresh. So, I got my name legally changed, while keeping it somewhat the same. It shows that I'm a new me, not some alter." She said in a teasing way, knowing that Colt was fearing that as a scenario.

Paula was told all about it from Rocky and she was devistated that he had gone through that and she was barely there to help him. Her soulmate. When he needed her the most she was broken and he was breaking. What a pair the two of them.

"Paula... I want you back in my life, I've changed... I'm not that same guy anymore."

"Aren't you? Colt you've changed with yourself, but not the people around you. I've told you this as well." Her hand scrunched into a fist. "You can accept the fact that your older brother did something stupid, but you wouldn't be able to handle it if Rocky flat out told you that he's gay. You would be angry, square one, and you'd cast him aside like he's nothing. But you've accepted that within yourself, accepted that it happened and someone you managed to get through it."

Punch.

"You can't accept that your little brother has grown into a young man, you want him to remain immature so that you can appear older, but Colt... you're not there. Its only when you grow with people that you grow outward rather than inward."

Punch.

Colt closed his eyes, anger shaking through him. Pain. Sorrow. But there was one other thing. "Practice what you preech Paula, if you wanna grow than you'll have to grow with me. So that I can do the things needed to help us. I want this..."

"If you want to be in my life... Paula's life, then you'll have to deal with the fact that I'm uncertain of how I feel about you. If you prefer to be with Lissa then that relationship has to stop. Simple as that. I can't go down this road with you again, and you know damn well you can't continue being with Lissa now that you know the truth."

Colt sighed heavily.

"I can't ask you to make that decision now, but you will have to tell me eventually. Until then... please continue with school, carry on as though this never happened." He could tell that she had to bite back her tears just then. "Grow up, Colt, live in the world _outside_ rather than inside." Her tone is kind, not controlling or cruel. Just informative and kind. "I'm no philosopher and I'm not telling you what to do, niether is Rocky... but when you act so aimless, its only natural that someone will come along and try to guide you- give you some direction. I know things... after having been broken for so long. That's why I had to make amends with the pain I've caused to people I care about just by being gone the way I was. Thankfully they gave me no grief, they took my apology."

"Don't I get the same?"

"It hurts me too much, but yes, you deserve the same peace. That's why I'm giving you the option. Rocky and Tum Tum, they want _me_, not Lissa. Who do you want? What do you want?" Having sat back down she again stands up. "I've gotta go. I need to find a job as soon as possible." Lifting her finger to her eye, the one that still held the contact lense on the tip, she stuck the lense back on and, after a few winks to adjust, she became Lissa once more.

Colt watched her as she walked away to home, maybe to the bus station, who knows. But she was right. He really hasn't done anything outwardly to change. But he can. He can be that person who's changed. He can become more mature and understanding. He owes it to his best friend, he owes it to himself. So why is getting stomach pains thinking about it? Rubbing his stomach, he realized they weren't emotional it was physical. Standing he leaned over a waste basket and vomited up the food he'd engulfed early that day.

...

Rocky is in love. The smell in the air, the tension and the spark. Its always there when he steps into this office and walks over to the cork board to check assignments. Being a ninja, he's used to field work and though it isn't the most mind-fucking experience as he likes when he gets to plunge deep into cases its still really fullfilling and amazing a job to do. No matter how he's viewed in status being just an intern. He's part of the team the moment the boss says: Go.

"Samuel?" Rose walked around the desk, hand out, shaking his when its taken. "Hi. I'm Rose Engelberg, I've just been assigned to the team today."

"Hi." He smiled, then asked. "I'm sort of newish, well, I've been at it for a year now but in my mind I'm still the newbie."

"Aaa. It isn't because everyone is giving out hard-times, is it?"

Shaking his head, Rocky replied. "No, they're great. I'm just sort of hard on myself and often withdrawn." He laughed to lighten to statement, however true.

"Oh. We all need to be hard on ourselves, it keeps up in line." She takes a seat at the large table set in the center of the room. Absently she pushes her hair dark behind her ear.

After checking what the team had planned, what case they're involved, if any, Rocky took a seat as well. Looking the girl over a moment, he noted to himself that she's very easy on the eyes. Black hair framing a pale face with straight chopped bangs, her hairs edge chopped just as finely. She has a thin long nose, as her most noteable feature, and her eyes are a dark brown. She also has a few freckles up her arm.

"So what do you specialize in?" Rose asked with interest.

"Field work. I'm the one thinking the hardest about exactly what went through the unsubs mind at the time of the murder."

"Oh," She seemed to like that. "I'm the before to your after."

The two laugh.

"Well, nice to meet you Before-Rose."

"You too, After-Samuel."

"Oh, and please, call me Rocky."

"Rocky? College nickname?" She could tell that he's younger than herself, but not by much. She's 29.

"No. Childhood." He replied easily. Regardless the emotional trouble his ninja name gave him not long ago, he really does love it. "I'm a ninja."

"Oooh, very impressive. I'll stick by you when we're on the field then. I don't wanna get my butt handed to me by some lech' when I'm not looking."

"Got it."

A thin man walked into the room, dark hair and skin, very tall about 6'2", he dropped a folder onto the desk. "Rocky," He greeted flatly but with a smile in his tone, then turned to the new agent. "Miss Engelberge," His hand raised to her, he said. "Bryan Castino. Welcome to the team."

"Thank you, it'll be a pleasure working with you all. I was part of another team in Wisconsin so I'm familiar with the workings."

"Good. This will be brief, then we'll be heading out to South Carolina to assist the local police with a case."

"Traveling, great. I'm good with heights."

Rocky could detect the hidden sarcasm and decided to sit beside her on the plane, maybe ease her anxiety if he could.

The rest of the team showed up not long after the chief and the meeting was underway.

...

_'Paula's right. I need to snap out of it and start living with the world. There's gotta be more in my life than just myself and how I can please me with whatever pawn in laying around to help.'_ Kicking a rock up the sidewalk ahead of himself, Colt stopped walking and looked up. "I wonder if Tum is at home... maybe he'd like to talk. Share himself with me." He smiled at the thought of getting deeper into the mind of the little bottomless pit. He wasn't sure if he was ready to take the embracing plunge that is Rocky's life right now. But he will. If he wants to have all this sorted and figured out, he has to. He really doesn't know what he wants. He wants Paula, he wants Lissa. He loves both of them and sort of in different and sort of not. Its so complicated.

Crossing the street, he stepped into the building and looked around. He hasn't exactly seen his brother's apartment except for when it was still in the throws of bones and scraps of items inside. By now he must have filled the place out pretty well. Stepping off the elevator Colt walked a few doors down to the apartment and, even from a few feet away he could hear talking on the other side. Knocking, he waited for his brother to answer the door while wondering if it would be rude just to waltz right in. He is his brother after all. But he was sure that if he had a place he'd never want anyone popping-in on him.

"What is i-.. Hey Colt!" His brother cheered right up when noticing that visitor was only his brother.

"Hey," He walks in. "What's with the sour tone?" He questioned before giving Paige a pat on the head as a greeting.

"Oh, I was expecting my _beneath_ neighbor, Mrs. June, to show up griping again about how Paige needs to stop slam-dancing on the ceiling of her place."

"And she can bite me because I'm not gonna stop. I have to practice and renting room time is expensive." She shrugs. "Can't help it if she's a sensative old bitch who can't take a little thumping. Maybe if her bed were warm she'd be a little more forgiving." She crossed her arms over her chest. It seemed to be her favorite stance.

Tum Tum shook his head. "So what are you doing here? Oh, and this is Stacey Source by the way."

"Hi." Colt lifted a hand as a wave.

"Hey." Stacey seemed more interested in what was out the window at the moment than meeting someone new. Besides, they already kind of know each other. Or at least he's seen the skinny brunette- now blonde- girl before. "I came because I wanted to talk to you about something- umm, about yourself actually."

Scrunching his face in question, Tum cocks a brow. "Excuse me?"

"Well, I'm... I'm trying to be more present in you and Rocky's lives, so... come on, hit me with whatever you've got." He takes a seat on the stool at the kitchen counter.

"Colt this is kind of a bad time. I've got company over."

"Don't mind us," Corey said. "I'd actually like to hear more about the inner workings of my best friend too." He grinned cheekily.

"Well, I got into that culinary school I wanted to go to, so maybe I won't be joining you and Rock' on campus after all- won't it be cool. Your brother will become a chef of a five star restaurant someday."

"Cool." He nodded his approval.

"Yeah it is. Not to mention I've got a job washing up in a place but eventually I'll move on to cooking, I give it another month. Then these dish-pan hands will be doing a man's work." He made a strangled sound when he realized how that came off. "I meant as opposed to a boy, not a girl. Don't take my head off."

The two girls in the room calmed the storm brewing in the back of their minds.

"And if I do manage to get on sous chef duty, maybe I can quit my job at the donut place."

"But you love donuts." Colt mentioned grabbing a can of soda from the fridge.

"I know, but its too tempting when I see them every day. You know I'm trying to watch my sweet intake."

Colt actually did not know that. And giving his brother a good look over he noticed that his appearance has changed quite a lot. Starting with his hair being the number one difference. It used to be a lot darker but the sun has lit it up to a slightly lighter brown, he no longer has the mushroom cut bob and instead has a more modern chopped look. His freckles have died down a bit in their darkened color, and he's taller- at least he's a bit taller than Rocky but not himself. And lastly, no more youthful pudge. His little brother has become a very handsome young man.

"Is it just me or is this conversation about to turn very serious?" Stacey wondered outloud. Getting down from her seat on the window, she walked across the room. "It was nice seeing you again, Colt. Paige walk me out?"

"Okay."

"See you later Tum, and thanks for lunch."

"Okay." He replied.

When the two girls left the room, Tum Tum walked over to his brother as if to whisper, but he asked at normal volume. "What's this all about? You don't usually care what's going on?"

"Can't a guy change without the world getting on him?" This is exactly what he had said to Lissa a few days back.

"Sure. Its just a slap in the face, but sure you can."

"I talked to Paula... and I found out some things about her and myself. I'm trying to be a better person, so that she and I can get something back from our friendship."

Tum Tum looked genuinely surprised by that statement. "Wow. Really? Then you should kiss off trying to pick up the past and go for something new. She's changed Colt. She's not Paula anymore."

"I know, she's Lissa."

"That's not what I meant. I meant she isn't sweet, and she isn't shy." He takes a seat beside his brother. "She's the same but completely different."

"And I don't care. I'm willing to be with her and learn who she is now... but she told me I have a lot of growing to do with other people first."

"Insightful as always." Tum commented. "Hey Colt, there is one other thing I wanted to tell you. And I'm glad that the girls left because they kinda can't know- Corey knows already." He looked over his shoulder to his best friend who's watching television and trying not to be obvious about eavesdropping. "I bought a ring, and pretty pricey ring which is why Paige and me are still hurting with the bills, but its worth it."

Shocked, Colt looked taken aback by what he knows he's about to hear. "Tum Tum are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"Yup," He could barely hold back his beaming. "I'm gonna ask Paige to marry me."

Colt's jaw hit the floor, but he picked it back up when he reached out his hand and patted his brother lovingly on the shoulder. "Congratulations man, and I know she'll say yes. She's crazy about you."

"Thanks, and I hope so. I don't have anything romantic planned out to ask her. You're better with music than I am but I'm not gonna have my brother serenating me and my lady before I pop the question." He shrugged. "I'll probably just drop it on her lap while we're watching tv and ask her then."

Colt laughed hautily. "I'll never figure you two out."

"We're an enigma; maybe that's why she's crazy enough to have gone out with me for so long."

"Naah, you're a really great kid- guy," He corrected.

"Aaaw, thanks bro."

"Makes me wish I wasn't an only child." Corey chimed in.

"Zip it." Retorted the home owner with a smile. "Hey Colt, can you stay, I could cook for you later on."

"Nope, I've gotta find Rocky- hopefully he's not pissed at me for jumping on him earlier."

"It seems like you two are always jumping on each other lately. Why is that?"

There's that part of Tum Tum that makes Colt feel like the youngest again. He starts speaking so wisely and understandingly, and it just throws him how mature his little brother is and how stand-still he remains. "I'm just not comfortable with that whole idea of Rocky sleeping with men."

"He's what?" Corey's eyes were wide in shock.

Colt couldn't help but think that it was nice to see someone else reacting that way. But he kept that to himself. "I can't wrap my head around why."

"Well you should, you don't have to see him doing it. It affects you in no way, shape, or form. So why be upset?" Tum shrugged. "Rocky is still the same guy he's grown up to be, its just now he's a bit more that we never knew he could be. I still love him, and any decision he makes... what about you?"

"...I do... I do love him, but... it still is unsettling." Colt replied honestly.

Tum Tum shrugged, unable to figure out what to say. If Colt's mind can't be changed, it can't be changed. Not by anyone but himself anyway. "Anyway, you can't see Rocky right now, he's not at school. He's in South Carolina... I think. Yeah, he's on a case."

"Oh," Colt paused. "I didn't know he told you about all that."

"Not really much to tell me, he doesn't get into full detail sometimes, but he does talk about how exciting it all is. Makes me wish I had some punks to beat up myself." He laughed. "I miss the old ninja says, damn responsibilities." He laughed a little more. "Oh Colt, you know what, here" Tum Tum disappeared into his bedroom then walked out with a book. "Rocky wrote this," He handed it to his brother. "Its kind of pointed when it comes to the main characters, so this should give you some idea of... you know, how you can cope with Rocky."

"Basements by Samuel Douglas." It always felt like he were trying to hold acid. His brother had a book published, and he knew nothing about it. Rocky would have mentioned it during their night walk and talks but he didn't. Maybe its because he felt he couldn't mention it to him, rather than his not wanting to. He protected Colt from something that would bother him. Rocky always reverting back to Rocky, by trying to hide the unpleasant things in life. It kind of stung, it kind of healed, but mostly it stung to know that his own brother couldn't trust him with his hobbies and interest like he once could. "Thanks. I'll read it when I can."

"Read it with an open mind Colt, don't just judge it right away. Don't turn away... its just a work of fiction but it touches something deep that Rocky wanted to say. I think that should be respected no matter how you feel about it honestly."

Colt nodded. "I have to go someplace first, but I will come back for dinner. Thanks for the invite."

"Always- well, sometimes it'd be nice to be treated... kiiiinda verging on ass-out here."

Colt laughed to that. "Okay. And Tum Tum anytime you need money... go to Rocky." He laughed as he got up. "I'll see you later,"

"Okay. Bye Colt."

The older male walked out the door closing it behind him but proping it back opened when he saw Paige come up the hall.

"Leaving already? Did you discover the ins and outs of boyfriend?" She smiled.

Nodding, Colt replied with a cheerful. "Yeah, yeah I have."

"Good. And I hope you come by for dinner, something awesome might happen." She held the knob but made no move to go inside until she winked at the older male.

Colt cocked a brow to that but it quickly dawned on him that Paige knew about the ring. Smiling he winked back before walking down the hall to leave. Traveling the streets he decided to head back to campus; maybe he'll do a little light reading.


	8. I'd like to make a proposal

A.N.: Thank you for reading, I consider this story a sort of 'spring thing'. Meaning the month of change and these are major changes. Thank you for reading, and reviewing.

...

It turns out that Rocky was missing from school for 3 days, which gave Colt time to do a little reading, not only that, he also had time to do some serious thinking about what he intends to do about Paula and Lissa, and the whole situation of losing one in place of another. Ridiculous as it sounds he truly does view them as 2 different people. On the one hand one girl is one way, and the other another. Its very confusing to the point of being almost overbearing to process. How can it be so hard. Rocky and Tum Tum had no problem with choosing; they picked Paula, as they should have. It isn't fair to have her living a double life because of something he'd helped to do. But for him, its not so simple. Lissa... or Paula... These thoughts kept him up at night. They kept him in constant distraction while he did his lessons at school. He didn't even have a good night out with his friends because he kept spacing out from the real world and going into deep thought about his past. All these thoughts on top of finding a way to accept that his brother is gay. But he'd seen something in that book of Rocky's Basements. He'd seen himself, he'd seen his brothers, he'd even seen Paula. He wasn't sure if it were true or not, but he was sure that the other story was Robbie. Each one was deep, each one human to a scary degree. He honestly didn't know that his brother thought so deeply about all of them that he could capture moments without so much as using them or the direct situation. Incredible. Rocky would be a great author someday, if he chose to leave the love of being a detective.

Colt was full to bursting when Rocky walked into their shared dorm, his books he'd been studying from are abandoned and nearly toppled to the floor in his standing; Rocky looked like he'd been dragged to Hell and back again as he dropped his bag to the floor by the door like it had simply fallen away, and if he hadn't opened his fingers it surely would have taken his tired arm with it to the wooden floor. Rocky barely made it to the thing before he'd collapsed onto his bed, ready to let sleep take control of him.

"Rocky!" Colt said loud enough to cause his brother to groan before covering his ears. "Sorry. But, Rocky... are you up?"

He couldn't tell. Rocky's head is turned in the opposite direction facing the wall where the window is. His body limp and still. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Rocky would come in, and they'd get to talking, and everything would be cool. Then he'd leave and go sort the mess with Paula out. He'd made his decision ages ago, but he had yet to tell her about it. She must think he's just ditched the whole idea and chooses neither She nor Lissa.

"Rocky, come on. You have to stay up long enough to listen to me." Getting up from his bed, he walks around to the other side of Rocky's to see that his brother had infact fallen asleep. Great. "You can sleep later, okay? But wake up for now and listen to me."

He was like a child that was just recently introduced to a factory of sugar and everywhere you looked there was a free sample of the white addiction, and after such a large consumption Rocky was ready to crash. Feeling the violent shake that his brother is giving him, Rocky swats the assalt away before opening his eyes and sitting up.

"Okay, okay. But talk fast," He rubs his eyes. "I'm tired."

"I know." Colt waved the words away before taking a seat beside Rocky. "Listen, I wanted to tell you that I won't get on you anymore about being gay. Its your life, you live it how you want to, you can even talk about who you're with around me or to me... just don't bring up sex and I'm cool with anything."

Cocking a brow at his brother, Rocky blinked in a drowsy thought. "Great. Now let me sleep."

"But listen, I read your book and I thought it was wonderful!" He pats his brother on the shoulder. "The way you wrote these little stories about all of us... it was pretty cool, but sad too. When I read about Eric Winters I thought that it was stupid the way he never even gave sweets a chance, and then he made such a big deal out of it once he'd tried it. But reading it again, I realized that you were sort of talking about yourself through this character."

Rocky seemed more alert as he listened to his brother explain what he was talking about. He himself knew, he wrote it after all. But to have Colt read it and get it, that was something else entirely. Not even Tum Tum got it, but he said it was a good read and he liked all the weird tales told.

"Eric, you, hated sweets... never tried 'em, but knew he didn't like it. But one day he went to grab for his usual chicken pot pie from the freezer section of the store without realizing that they'd put in a new item and that his pies were the row over. So he'd grabbed three regular pies and one sweet pie. At the register he'd paid for it and brought it home and only then does he notice that he made a mistake." Colt begins to figit with either excitement that he understood, or a bit of creeping discomfort from understanding. "He sits on it, because why throw it away it'd be a waste of money. And one day he felt adventurous and decided to bake it, and after one bite he fell in love. It became his secret purchase, not that anyone was noticing him too much anyway, but he loved the pie in that way and after a year he wondered about other pies and sweets but," He shrugged right then. "he wasn't sure if he was ready to try any other one- not so much as a different flavor from that beloved mixed berry he had picked up. He was afraid that maybe he'd liked sweets all the time and he only needed that accident to happen to tell him that. But Eric wanted it to be fate, to be special. So he remained afraid to try anything else but he'd always wondered..."

"Wow. You really do understand the underlying meaning."

"Rocky, Robbie was mixed berry pie for you. I get that now."

"Yeah, but do you also get my dilema? You can't label me gay if I'm not even labeling myself that way. Its unfair."

"But, how do you know that you aren't if you're too afraid to try?" Placing a reassuring hand on his brother's shoulder, Colt says in a serious tone. "Rocky, eventually mom and dad will let it go that you've made a choice to be gay. I have, if that's what you want... if that's who you are... I can't tell you to be anyone else. Not for me. I love you bro', and snapping at you and taking your happiness wouldn't put much stock behind that, would it?"

"No. It wouldn't." Rocky offered his brother a thoughtful smile. "I'm too afraid to try. I don't want Robbie to just be the stepping stone of a lifestyle I've decided to take up. Secretly, it feels like being gay would mean that Maria has won. She made me fearful of women and I've never even really tried to get that part of myself back."

"See. You just have to try... that's all it is. If I've learned anything from the life I've led its that you can't be afraid to get to know yourself. No matter who you turn out to be."

Rocky shrugged. He felt uncomfortable and wanted to change subjects. He actually still wanted only to sleep but Colt is so amped up to talk, it would be rude to just nod off on him. "So, have you sorted things out with Paula?"

"Yes, and no." He said not missing the fact that his brother was dropping the subject of his own sexuality. He hadn't meant for the conversation to turn uncomfortable like that. How the hell was he supposed to grow with his brother and the rest of his family, and friends if everyone still felt edgy about talking around him? "I've decided that I want her, I want to get to know the new Paula."

"But?"

"No but, I just haven't told her yet because I'm afraid that she'll revert back to clamming up around me."

"Now who's afraid?"

"Hey, at least your problem is simple to solve- in a sense. But with me... I'm just nervous I'll fuck things up and lose her all over again. And this time, niether of us will recover. Its like your story about Koji Minamino, the guy who lived a still life- and how could he not, he was a statue that came to life. He would remember all the familiar faces, but fearing change he never ventured out in the world other than the park, and outsiders venturing in he would scare them away." Colt shrugged. "That's me. I know it is."

"I think you're giving yourself too much of a beating. Just get out there and try. If my story taught anything its that. Paula isn't that fragile girl anymore." Rocky can feel his eyes closing. He knew they must have been acting on their own accord because Colt sighed heavily in frustration before getting up from the bed.

"Maybe I am. But rightly so. ...You know what, you sleep. I'm gonna go talk to her."

"Don't stay over too late, you know you have an exam tomorrow in three classes."

"Yeah yeah," He waved it off as he grabbed the door knob. "For you to be missing for three days, you sure are in the know about everything that's going on."

"Gee, I wonder how." Just by glancing at the window, does the curtains pull apart by Rocky's command.

Smiling, Colt shakes his head. "Right. How could I forget about _that._" Laughing, he says over his shoulder. "See you tomorrow."

Rocky, already settled in the bed only mumbled something incoherant before dozing off.

Colt felt his nerves prickle the minute the dorm room door closed behind him. Damn it if he isn't a fool. But what he'd said to Rocky woke something up in him, and he has to do it before he loses his nerve. It could blow up in his face, or be a blessing in disguise. But his own stupidity and haste will win him something in the end.

Paige could hardly contain her cheers and laughter while she and Tum Tum shuffled about their living room as she went over the steps of the two new dances she and the rest of the girls had to learn. Sometimes, when she practiced at home a lot, he would watch the routine being done over and over and thus would learn them himself. And being completely in touch with his fun side Tum Tum would get up and dance with her, and she loved it. Her boyfriend had skills. If they ever needed a replacement she was sure he would be a great stand-in. ...As long as no one dances with him but herself.

"Okay, I'm beat. Let's take a break." Paige grabbed her hand towel that she's been whiping sweat on since a nice little line decided to trickle down her cheek. Flopping down on the couch, she picks up the remote control aiming it at the television. "I wonder if Hell's Kitchen is gonna be new tonight, I hate when they" Her brown gaze follows her boyfriend as he ventures into their bedroom, all the while still speaking, then returns. "show reruns with no real reason other than they think there's some sort of important holiday going on."

"Tell me about it."

"There's a way to insure your future, become a better chef and be a cheftestant on H.K."

Tum Tum sat down with an exhausted, phew! Releasing an eased breath, he looks at his adorable girlfriend with an easy smile on his face.

Tonight is the night. He had it all planned out. He'd get on one knee and ask her, wait for the answer then present the ring. The ring he's had hidden away for months, the ring that's kept them from eating decent square meals though they both have jobs- 2 for himself! And, to be honest, Paige doesn't get paid much as a dancer, regardless the show being a hit sensation and on television. That's the life of a back up dancer, though. The only time she gets a boost in her check is when she's asked to sing one of the songs. Candlelight, romantic words, a meal, maybe wine, although where would they get the wine? Hmm? But, that's not them, it never could be. Having already removed the ring from the box, he took her hand into his and waited for her to identify the item that stood between them before bonding them closer together.

It took a moment, and she'd even lifted their finger entanlged hands off the couch to give them a shake which rattled the item around. Smiling, she lowered their hands back to the couch and played coy.

"Uh-huh." Tum Tum said in a sly way. "How long have you known about it?"

"Mmm, almost two weeks."

"And how did you find it?"

"Oh, we always flip the mattress at our home- every two weeks." She shrugged. "It just kind of popped out at me."

Tum Tum laughed at that. He should have known the bed was a bad place to hide the thing. "Well, what d'ya say then?"

"Tch. Stupid, you know my answer... But," She said this with a raised finger from her free-hand. "I still get to call you boyfriend."

Snickering, Tum Tum shook his head in disbelief. "How 'bout you call me Michael?"

"Hmm, it doesn't have that nice ring to it."

"And neither will 'boyfriend' once we're married."

"Says _you_. I think its nice."

"Oh yeah, I can hear the minister now. "Do you Paige take Boyfriend to be your lawfully wedded husband", laaame."

That seemed to be funny as the girl roared with laughter. "Okay... Michael." Releasing his hand, she plucks the ring from the couch cushions before it slid between them. "If that is your wish, I'm happy to oblidge."

"Huh... so that's all it took? I should have married you sooner."

"Oh shut up! You love boyfriend and you know it." She popped him over the head with a throw pillow.

"Hey, hey I'm a ninja, you know. So if I kick your butt I can really kick it."

"Same with me, being a dancer, only I'll kick your butt with style." She sticks her tongue out.

"Oh yeah?"

Tum Tum pounced on the girl and she erupted into a fit of giggles under his tickling fingers, and the feather kisses to her neck which made her laugh as well. He didn't let up even when she'd finally managed to get out a clear enough "stop". Pulling her up to sit, he stopped his assalt and just looked at her. His fingers brushed the bangs from her face.

"I love you, you know that?"

"I do."

Nodding, he leans forward to give her a hug and he whispers into her ear. "And you can still call me boyfriend whenever you want." Moving back he grabbed the ring from her and slipped it onto its rightful finger on her left hand.

"Thanks." She admired the ring with out guilt now, not that she'd ever held guilt over looking at the not-so-secret item. But now it felt real. Official.

"I'm gonna call my mom and dad and make sure that put together a huge dinner with your parents, that way we can tell them the great news. I'll say its because I got into cooking school."

"Awesome idea."

"I thought so." He rest himself on the back of the couch, his soul full of joy and feasting like a king on it.

Paige looked at her love for one moment more before straightening herself on the couch to face the television. All the fond memories they've made together run through her mind. They grew up together, fought for fun and for real, they know the ins and outs of getting on one anothers nerves but always come back for more of it. She's been completely disgusting around him, and he never says eeuw in sincerity. And its the same for him and his little quirks of burping or farting in airspace. They're gonna make it. Nothing in this world showed evidence of otherwise.

Colt didn't realize how nervous he had gotten until the building came into view. His legs stiffened a bit, keeping him from walking across the street from the bus stop. His hands shook anxiously when he let himself into the building. She knows he's coming, the door is electronic, you have to have a resident buzz you up. He hasn't seen her or spoken to her since that day in the park and he's lost his cool in the meantime. He thought it would be easy. He thought he'd go up to her and just tell her what was on his mind. But in reality, it wasn't the case. How can someone who's so much weaker than him physically, emotionally, and verbally hold so much power over him? She always has. She attracted his free spirit when they were kids by saying nothing at all. And when she spoke it was never of anything important, or significant, or life altering. It was simple conversation. If between them there had to be a dominant, it should easily be him. But it isn't, and it never could be. No wonder Rocky is so skittish around women. It isn't just because of what that woman had done to him, or his new curiousities. But the sheer fact that he has long since learned of how strong women truly are. Their not emotional wrecks. They're not unpredictable because they do tell you how they feel, they don't hold it in. And it makes them damn strong, because women have accepted being human. They don't walk around like Heman, stomping any emotion into the ground as if it were an insignificant piece of dust. They face that they feel something even if on the outside it appears that its blowing them apart. They're taking it, they releasing it. They are living it. As a man never could. Birth. Loss. Life. They get all of that, they own it. So when they love, its deeply and truly. And this is what he's hurt, because in a sense he'd meant to hurt her in that way. He wanted to her to strengthen up and learn to live life as a man would, because then maybe she wouldn't be so fragile. But it turns out that He is the fragile one, and She is the one who's strong.

All this roiled in his stomach and made him feel sick. Sick when he'd gotten on the elevator and was brought to her floor. Sick when he walked down the hall and saw said door is cracked for him to enter. Sick when he walked inside and saw this strong woman looking through her mail as if nothing had ever happened. As if nothing had ever gone on between them, or in her life. She'd even smiled a greeting to him when he walked over.

"I'm looking over bills. If I'm gonna change jobs, I need to be sure I can afford to first."

Colt studied her for a moment. And after throwing him a curious glance, she returned to what she'd been doing.

"I thought about what you've said, and... you're right. I need to be more accepting, and I definitely need to grow with everyone. I don't wanna be left behind... I don't wanna be Koji Minamino, who decided that being a statue was much better than being alive and accepting changes in the world because its not something that he's used to."

That did earn him a strange look. She must not have read Rocky's book then. Taking her hands into his own, Colt stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. For a long while they sat in silence. Paula looking at their clasped hands, and Colt looking at her. He actually felt tears prickling his eyes before his mouth parted to speak again.

"I want you, Paula." He said very softly. "I want you. When I thought about which girl I couldn't live without... I instantly thought about you. And not because you haven't been in my life for so long..." He trailed as he himself wondered where the comment had come from.

Probably his old self making logic of why he would want to take at least one step back in his life. Or is it really stepping back? He isn't sure. He's not good at analyzing himself, he never was. That's why she, Rocky, and Tum Tum, grandpa, and definitely his parents all try to push him along. They don't think that he can do it. He the most independent. He the most self sufficiant. He who loves life and grabs it by the horns with no hesitation... but he... he gives up whenever things get tough. He proves it to himself a little too much. He'd given up on his relationship with Paula, due to fear of change. He'd given up on getting off Synder's ship when the solid iron door refused to budge and none of the windows had a loose latch. Always the one for the simple solution. That's him.

"I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I'm not afraid of you either... I want all of you." He cups her chin to raise her gaze to meet his. "All of it. But you have to accept me as well. I'm gonna love you, and I'm gonna fuck you over more than anyone else you never know, or ever will meet. But we have to know that about each other and I think we do."

"Colt," She started to say but he cut her off.

"No. Please listen. ...I love you. I've loved you since the first day you bumped into my family. I don't know why, but it was strong, and scary, and exciting... It was fucked up to want you. It was fucked up to cast you away when you weren't up to par. But fear is the only emotion that outweighs love, at least for me. But can you live with that? Not only was I asked to choose between you and Lissa but, you had to have asked yourself if you could stand being with me? When I'm good, when I'm a fucking mess... Can you take that?"

Paula blinked in confusion. What on earth was Colt talking about? He sounded insane really. Like they've been an item and he's... "Colt, why are you talking like we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together?"

"Because I'd like to. Come on, what d'ya say? Things can't get any worse than they already were. I'm changing, just like you. I wanna prove it to you everyday that I'm growing, I wanna fuck up and make mistakes and know that it won't mean shit but an arguement... not an end. And I want you to fuck up to because I need to learn how to handle it... I need all of this and I want all of it. ...And I want it with you."

Paula blinked. Comepletely stupified of what to say. She's never heard anything like that before. But what he said next, slapped her clean in the face.

"Paula, Kitturah, Jasmin Neil... Will you marry me?"

Paula sat in silence, feeling the grip of her hands shake as nerves owned Colt's attempted cool demeanor. He didn't expect her smile, he didn't expect her to snicker as lowly as she had. She looked maniacal, like she were about to slug him. Colt honestly thought that that was going to happen and his face braced for impact, with a visible wince.

"I'm going to fuck up. I have left over anger that boils in me sometimes. I throw things, I curse... but I'm better- stronger. But I'm fucked up, too. Can you take that? Can you hold onto me when I'm cursing you, and wishing you'd just go the hell away?"

Colt, despite the seriousness smiled. And was surprised when she'd smiled as well.

"I mean, I might wanna deck you with a vase... do you really think your ninja reflexes are that sharp you'd duck in time?"

"I know they are, but I won't duck. Be mad at me, you're owed a couple puck shots."

Paula nodded to that. She definitely was owed some shots at him. But when her smile faded she shook her head thoughtfully. "We're so stupid."

"Aren't we?"

"Yes, we are. I hate to wonder which of us is the worst of the two, but between us things should work out ok." Taking her hands back and setting them down on her lap, she nods. "Yes, I'll marry you."

Colt laughed in what he knew were hysterics, more so when he'd jerked her up from the couch to spin her lifted body around and around the room. But she pushed away from him, standing on her own two feet, readjusting her clothes.

"No need for that, come on. Let's celebrate." He stands up, taking her hand into his.

Groaning loudly, she stands. "How did I know this was just a ploy to get me into bed."

"Well, you've just answered your question as to which of us is less stupid." Turning around, he cupped her face giving her a deep kiss. "Besides, I don't wanna sleep with you just yet... I wanna cuddle and read to you. I know this great little book titled Basements, I just know you're gonna love it."

He walked them into the bedroom, returning to the living room to grab Rocky's book from the bookshelf after it was pointed out to him.

6 days later the Douglas family, the Dos Santos family, and Mrs. Shimoto Paula's mother and Victor her step father, are gathered at the Douglas house having dinner together. It was something of a get together to end all get togethers. You would never normally see Mrs. Shimoto because the woman is a doctor and the only way to see her is by coming in for heart surgery. But she got time off for this, any request from her daughter she'd be there for. They were all buzzing with conversation having either never met one another, or from having not seen each other in some time. The McRae's had been the last to show up since they had to drive in from the airport, and the Ballerini's, with Arc, came before them. This was the most the family had ever been over to the Douglas' home, and they sort of secretly hoped there would be more visits. In all honesty they may not have any real family ties beyond Ben, Colt's true father, but they feel close to the family regardless.

2 tables have been set up to accomadate them all, parents and children seated and talking like equals rather than as titles. It wasn't until dessert was served that Tum Tum and Colt stood up in sync of each other and tapped their wine glasses with the handle of their knife.

"I have something to say," The two say also in sync before shooting one another a curious look.

"Colt, I think that my news is a little more important than yours." His little brother says in a sudden show of his true age. Tum Tum could be forever stubborn when it came to things that he wanted to say or do, and someone was holding him up.

"But I also have something to say, and I definitely think that my news trumphs yours."

"Says you."

"Yeah says me, twirp."

"Wanna make a bet?" Tum Tum set his glass down. "We can ninja battle for who gets to speak first."

"Battle all you want, I'm just gonna say it- I.."

"No! No!" Tum crosses the room to where his brother is to slap a hand over his mouth.

Rocky rolled his eyes and shook his head in embarrassment. He was almost kind of glad he didn't have anyone that he's romantically connected to. Otherwise he'd be explaining to that person that, secretly, he's adopted. Lie as it might be, wouldn't you say the same when you're little brother is trying to shove a roasted slice of squash up your other brother's nose? But its sort of nice to see some normalcy going on again.

"Boys, boys." Mori interrupted. "Why not play jenken to see who goes first."

Tum and Colt pause when hearing the sensible voice of their grandfather. Looking at one another, the two nod in agreement that a game of rock, paper, scissors would do.

"One, two, three, shoot!"

"Victory!" Tum Tum cheered, both fist raised in the air. "Mom, dad, grandpa and brozus. Guess who's getting married?"

"How did you know?" Colt asked sitting down, while feeling the soars of being a loser sting his butt.

"What do you mean?" Tum asked, fist still in the air from his personal victory.

"Well, how did you know I was getting married?"

Jessica's eyes bugged out of her head. "You're getting married?"

"To who?" Sam asked. "Who'd you get pregnant?"

Colt's folded in on himself from the verbal punch in the gut. But Paula's laugh inflated him back to sitting up straight.

"No one, Mr. Douglas, and he's marrying me. We're engaged."

"Oh honey," Jodi got up from her seat to hug her daughter. Victor followed.

"Umm, hellooo, my big news. Not Colt's." Tum Tum tried to cut through the noise.

"When did it happen." Jessica asked grabbing Paula's left hand to see the ring. "Where's your ring?"

"Oh, he didn't pick one out. But I don't need a ring."

"Every woman needs a diamond, dear." Jessica pulled Paula from her seat. "We should go to the jewelers and pick one out right now. Come on Jamie, you come with us."

"Can you imagine, grandchildren?" Jodi beamed.

"Hello! Mom? Dad?" Tum tum looked to his father who is patting Colt on the back, congratulating him on making amends with the girl after so long. Telling his son how this made him a man. How he has responsibilities now.

Rocky pats his little brother on the back. "Congratulations Tum, you too Paige."

"Thanks, Rock'."

"Was it romantic like you'd hoped it would be?" Rocky asked Paige.

"It was more romantic than I hoped it would be," She held out her hand. "And I got this fat rock."

"Very cool."

As if the moment had come back to her, jacket on, and at the door, Jessica turned and asked when the room was silenced enough. "Michael? Tum Tum, honey, what was your news?"

"Umm," Looking at Colt who seemed so pumped right now, Tum Tum shook his head. "I got into culinary school."

"How wonderful!" Jessica said, not sparing any honest enthusiasm. "Next family dinner we have, its all yours to cook."

Laughing, Tum tum nods. "Thank you. Now you girls get out of her, go get a ring. And congratulations, sis'." He says to Paula before the girl got shoved out the front door with the crowd.

"Thank you, Tum. We'll be back soon."

"You'd better go with them, son. Or you'll be paying for that ring the rest of your life." Sam mentioned.

"Yikes, good point." Getting out of his seat he heads out the door.

Rocky smiled as he listened to the chattering women's noise dying down in their exit. Married, huh? That would be something. He wondered a bit what made Colt decide to take that route. Love? Guilt? He hoped for love. Because in all honesty he felt that the two loved each other. That's why they remain so fucked up when it comes to the other person. Toxic love is dangerous, but it can be good too. The good that other couples strive for. The good that truthfully, would keep them together for a long time. And, touching the anchor pendant that hangs always around his neck, he smiled knowing about his own toxic love. And that no matter what choice he makes, they will also be together forever.

THE END


End file.
